It just this minute occurred to me that the two week mark was when it hit me that my dad was really gone. It was the day I started missing him. Really missing him, like I couldn’t bear it any longer, I had to see him.
Now here it is, two weeks and a day since my mom passed away. ( I hate those two words but I can’t deal with the D word just yet.) And today was one of the roughest days I’ve had. I had 3 crying jags at work before first break so I knew it was going to be a hard day. I should have just gone home. By lunch time, though, I had it pulled together and was doing ok. For about twenty minutes and then it all went downhill from there.
It must have been obvious to co-workers that I was kind of miserable. Every other person took it upon themselves to try and cheer me up. Let me tell you something, if you ever find yourself on the other end of this conversation, with me anyway, save yourself the trouble. I’m broken inside, can’t you see I don’t feel like laughing right now? I appreciate that their intentions were good, just wasn’t feeling it.
One thing has become very clear to me. A simple “How you doin’?” “I’m here if you need me,” Or a smile and a pat on the shoulder is so much more comforting. Some of my most peaceful moments have come after reading a note that simply said “Thinking of you today.”
Anyway, back to my day. I came home to a quiet house, which can be a blessing or a curse and I can’t even tell you which, depends on so many things. My phone started jangling and I just couldn’t listen to it anymore. My phone has been in my pocket or in my hand constantly for about the last month. I just, at that moment, didn’t want to deal with it. I
set it on the ta tossed it on ok, I HURLED it across the table and it slid and landed with a rather large clunk on the floor. The on-off switch must have jammed because now it’s really hard to turn on and off. So I learned a lesson about anger. Anyway, the phone stayed off.
Then, a little after dinner the real phone rang. In case it was important, I walked over to read the caller ID and it was an unknown number. As I turned my back to it and was walking away, it dawned on me that my mom will never be on the other end of that damnable phone again and I started to cry. I marched up the stairs, turned on the hot water in the bathtub and had a nice long cry/bath.
I feel a little better now.