Monthly Archives: June 2008

WARNING: ANOTHER RANT (PG-13)

I got so much crap going on with doctors and appointments and phone calls that I’m boring the hell out of myself so I’m not going to bore you with it. Except that there isn’t much else going on in my life right now. I’m tired feeling like shit and wishing all the testing, etc. was over with. On top of that crap, I now find that I need to have “female” surgery. Happy happy, Joy, joy. Coordinating all these “procedures” is making me way more stressed than I was originally. We all know how hard it is to get a real person on the other end of a telephone, let alone have one get back to you in a timely manner.

Get this: I can schedule my colonoscopy for July 11. But if I want a consult appointment with the doctor beforehand, I can’t get an office appointment until August 4th. I want a consult appointment with the doctor beforehand, so I’m f***ed. I wanted to get this nightmare of a thing over with first thing before anything else. You ever had a colonoscopy? Then you know what I’m talking about. I think it was invented in the 1800s by the Marquis de Sade, or some other sadistic freaktard. For those of you lucky enough to have never gone “under the gun,” so to speak, it goes something like this:

(In case you were too busy/lazy/whatever to click on the link up there, I guess I should specify that a colonoscopy is a diagnostic TOOL [ahem] to screen one’s colon-large intestine- for cancerous lesions, polyps, etc.) A “flexible” (HA!) tube which measures about 5 feet long (I know!) is inserted into the intestine through exactly where you’re thinking. There is a camera attached to the end of the tube which enables the administering MD the opportunity to see scary things which he will (hopefully and) promptly remove so that you can come back another time and have it all done over again to make sure he removed the scary stuff in the first place. Or so that new scary stuff can be nipped in the bud. (Yeah, bad choice of words, I know.) The patient is put into a “twilight” sleep by a trained and well-paid anesthesiologist who is supposed to know how much of that shit to give you to make sure you’re not aware that you’re in excruciating pain. Or at the very least, so that you don’t remember and kick your doctor in the cajones at your follow-up visit for ripping up your innards. But wait, that’s not the fun part. Actually, what I’ve told you so far is NOTHING compared to the prep for the test.

I’ve had two of these in the past and both times I was awed by the amazing ability the human body has to overcome such adversity as is perpetrated upon it by the means by which one “cleanses” one’s colon. I said that wrong, but you know what I mean. I have a headache, cut me a break.

There are actually several methods by which one may arrive at the same end. (Yeah, I’m losing it, can you tell? And if you’re not laughing then I’m sorely disappointed.) I have always been fortunate enough to choose doctors and surgeons who insist on totally cleaned-out victims and who prescribe the most barbaric and humiliating means of, um, evacuation. I’m trying to to be too graphic, even though I’ve most likely tarnished your opinion of me as a Lady early on in this post…

You have to mix about a gallon of water with the foulest-tasting crap you can imagine. For some reason I always choose Cherry flavor and then I can’t ingest anything that even vaguely tastes like Cherry for a couple of years afterward. You have to drink copious amounts of this at regular intervals until your body furiously revolts and sends you high-tailing it to the nearest privy where you will take up residence for the next twelve hours or so, ending up with not just a sore dupa but a huge red circle imprinted in your butt cheeks from the toilet seat.

I had to laugh, I was reading several articles about ways to ease the stress of the prep. One article suggested:

Take a five-minute walk every 10 minutes during the time you’re drinking the laxative, but stay near a toilet.

I had to read that over again.

So, I hope I didn’t scare anybody, it’s really an important test. Especially if you have a family history like mine which includes colon cancer. I was basically trying to make my own self feel better by venting. It’s really not as bad as I let on. Afterward I have always felt fine. I even have some funny stories associated with the experiences, but I’ll save those for another time. This post has gone on long enough and I’d hate for it to end up in the toilet.

RETRO PLAY

Not sure where it came from, but I found myself asking co-workers the other day what their favorite prize was to find in their Cracker Jacks when they were little. I remember getting overly-excited about finding one of them there red and yellow whistles in mine. Temporary tattoos were always fun too. Once I got a little plastic charm that was a four-leaf clover that looked all gold-plated. I put it on a piece of string and wore it around my neck for awhile… I’m pretty sure I did that with the whistles too, since they had the little hole at the top for that purpose. I remember little magnifying glasses, too. Wish I’d held on to a few of those things, some collectibles can sell for up to $7,000. Sheesh.

I always saved the peanuts for last. And I loved when I would get one of those great big stuck-together clumps; they seemed to have more toffee.

Coincidentally, after having visited the Cracker Jack website, I learned that July 5th is the official day that we celebrate Cracker Jack Day… Make sure you don’t forget. I wonder if Hallmark is aware of the capital that could generate???

All this remembering has gotten me thinking about my childhood and the things we did to amuse ourselves. I was a Barbie freak when I got a little older but before that, a simple big old cardboard box afforded hours upon hours of entertainment in the form of a “cabin.” We’d cut holes in it for doors and windows and escape inside. I learned to cut the windows like an H on it’s side and then the windows could be opened like shutters. Sometimes we would decorate them with crayons or Magic Markers (which smelled soooo good… and which I couldn’t find a decent link for a picture of the good old fashioned kind.) I liked to draw curtains and flower boxes under the windows. And I always made sure to draw a doorbell by the door. We’d take blankets and pillows inside, some crackers and Kool-Aid and if we were real lucky, a flashlight. Sooner or later the thing would collapse, usually due to cutting one-too-many windows and then we would sadly say goodbye to our little home-away-from-home.

Some other fun things:

  • Hanging blankets over the clothesline to make tents
  • Lining up all the kitchen chairs to make a train
  • Painting macaroni with watercolors and making necklaces
  • Gathering up empty pop bottles and taking them to the corner store for penny-candy money
  • Making a stand (again with the cardboard boxes) and selling Kool Aid
  • Washing our bikes
  • Playing “school”
  • Marrying off Hazel to one of the neighborhood boys (yeah, really.)
  • Melting Crayons in the sun
  • Collecting rocks and coloring or painting them
  • Catching lightning bugs
  • “Painting” the front steps with a paintbrush and a bucket of water
  • Drawing on the sidewalk with chalk (or playing Hopscotch)

Ok, my brain’s tired from all that traveling. What did you like to play with as a kid?

THIS IS MY BRAIN ON OVERLOAD

(CAUTION: Major Venting Ahead)

I have been so ridiculously busy, preoccupied and stressed lately and I’m feeling that I’ve neglected my poor blog.  I’ve had so much to write and it’s all been swirling around in my head and, much to my chagrin, lots of it has either gotten forgotten or grown into something that now requires too much explanation and background to even go into.  I’ve neglected responding to some great comments and I apologize for that.  I’m so far behind now that I’ll never get caught up.  Seems like I’m on here for an hour or so in the evening (winding down) and never making it all the way through my blogroll and not giving good friends’ posts the attention they deserve.  Then I hop on in the am while I’m guzzling my coffee and the same thing happens.  I suffer from severe overwhemification and it becomes a vicious circle.  Focusing is not one of my strong points lately.

Confession time:  I’m not dealing at all well with my new work schedule.  I tried, God knows, I’ve tried. You can only punish and abuse your body for so long before things start going haywire.  Long days away from home, short, fitful/sleepless nights and too much Life to take care of do not a happy, healthy camper make.  I guess it was only a matter of time before my body started rebelling and I found myself sitting across from a concerned medical professional lecturing me about stress.  This, after having an ekg, chest x-ray, multiple tubes of blood drawn and a couple of other tests scheduled for another day.  I’ve received no official results as yet.  Seems everyone decided this was a good week to take a vacation.  Thank you very much. And all this is on top of a couple of other unrelated issues that I’ve been doctoring for.  I know, I’m falling apart.  So, since I love and trust my doctor (not George, the other one) I took his advice and swallowed my pride and agreed to allow him to prescribe me “something to help.”  F***, I hate taking  pills! But not quite as much as headaches and not being able to breathe.  Sleeping (medicated) has been a decent bonus, too, although waking up is a little bit of a struggle.  But that’s moot at 4:30am.

People I work with (the ones I’m still speaking to… jk) are finding it amusing that my new catchphrase is “I don’t care.”  The ones who know me best recognize that when I cock my head and raise my eyebrows and fake smile, I don’t even have to say it.  Great time-saver, that one.

I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t stress (npi) how interesting it is to be a 50-something hormonal female.  (I really need to make a reference page here for my made up terms and acronyms… npi= no pun intended.)  You guys reading, count your lucky stars and give your wives a wide berth.  You ladies, none of you are here yet, so you thank your stars as well.  Just get in the habit of being very kind to yourself so’s you don’t have to try and learn it when it becomes necessary for survival.  That may be too late.

That last paragraph came out sounding rather ominous, not entirely my intention.  I’m just feeling particularly sarcastic of late.  Another survival tactic 😉

Okay, enough of that crap.  I’m ok, at least better than I was.  And I’m thrilled that the next few Fridays, not including the Fourth of July, will be spent in labs and hospitals and doctor’s offices. Ironic, isn’t it that the big selling point of the effing four-day work week is so that you can have an extra day off.  And it’s the effing long days that are wreaking their havoc on me in the first place, causing me to fill my day off with medical shit.  Have I made my point???  It’s funny too, a lot of the people at work who were so effing arrogant about it in the first place are all feeling the effects too.

Oh yeah, while I’m getting things off my chest, I’m feeling some major aggression towards those asshats who insist on proclaiming “IT’S FRIDAY!!!” all day long every freakin’ Thursday.

Pheww. How was that for a rant?  I feel pretty damn good right now!  Especially since tomorrow is THURSDAY and the last work day of my week.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

GOT ME A CHAIR

PD and I went to an auction today. We didn’t get there as early as I would have liked, but there were only a few things I was really interested in and I did get a chance to give them a good looking-over before the bidding began.

As far as the weather goes, it was the perfect day for an auction. I preferred to stand and although the tent that was put up afforded good shade, it was a wee bit chilly for the way I was dressed so I spent the morning taking turns under the tent and out in the sun so I didn’t get sunburned. This is starting to bore me immensely and probly you, too, so I’ll get on to the goods.

I fell in love with this chair the moment I saw it. I don’t know anything about it except that it belongs in our house and it’s good and solid and I got it for less than I was willing to spend. Tell me if this isn’t a cool chair…

We picked up a few other things but maybe I’ll show you later. While waiting for this pic to upload, my right foot has rather seriously gone to sleep. I’ll go take care of that now.

SOUNDS LIKE A KID’S GAME

It seems that everyone I know in Blog Land has jumped on the Twitter Train (phrase stolen from Piglet) and it’s rollin’ down the track and I’m left standing at the station with my Louis Vuitton bag (yeah right) and a Timmy Ho’s Double-Double and a half-eaten bagle. Do I want to buy a ticket or just hang loose? Hmmmn.

Twitter seems like a simple enough concept. JuJu likes it cause it’s quick and easy and you can put a single thought or statement out there when you don’t have time to write an entire blog post. I have found that I enjoy reading snippets of people’s day here and there. Like I mentioned to her, I have at least several thoughts or happenings every day that I think I would like to incorporate into a post, but by themselves are not much to build on. If I decide to save them for a random post, they get forgotten. She said that Twitter is great for just that reason.

I was especially surprised to see that Mark is on board; I’m wondering if he’s finding it hard to just write a sentence or two at a time… (kidding Mark! xo)

But I’ve decided that, even though I’m feeling left out, that’s just one more thing that I’d be adding to an already-full plate and I just plain don’t have the time. Chances are I’d get all obsessive about it and I sure don’t need any more obsessions in my life. And I’ve never been one to jump on the bandwagon train just because everyone else is doing something. So I think I’ll pass. I was slow to get a microwave and a cellphone. I was the last person in America to see The Titanic. People were posting and boasting archives before I even knew what a Blog was. I guess I’ll just hold out and sit back and watch y’all havin’ fun and twitterin’.

WOW

John Mayer: Say (music video from The Bucket List)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Friday night PD and I invited friends in for pizza, beer and The Bucket List. We enjoyed all three immensely. I’d been looking forward to watching the movie for quite awhile and it’s been all rented out at the video store. I have to tell you that this has to be the best movie I’ve seen this year, Juno being a close second.

We laughed like crazy and of course, I cried. Really hard. I mean out-loud-sobs. And no one made fun of me. So you know it was sad. But happy sad. And at the end was the video you see here. I’m happy that there are movie scenes in the video, so I don’t have to dig to find a link to do it justice.

Really. You gotta see this movie. If you have already, tell me how much you liked it. Did you cry too? No spoilers, plz.

8 YEARS AGO TODAY…

… it started out a pretty day and then a storm blew up and the pretty arbor I’d decorated with silk flowers blew over.  Thanks, Hazel for putting it back up.

…. the upstairs bathroom pipes broke and all the water came through the kitchen ceiling.  Thanks, PD, for fixing that.

… the Justice of the Peace backed out of the driveway and was nearly creamed by an oncoming car.  Thanks, Lord.

… PD and I got married anyway.  🙂

I Love You, Buddy.  Thanks for askin’.  (And thanks for waitin’.)

THIS MONTH’S MUSIC

My most recent downloads and what my head is ears are full of these days (in no particular order):

(Where possible, I created links so you can listen. I will update these as I come across better or more recent links. Where I couldn’t find the particular song, I linked to the musician. The quality of some of the links aren’t what I’d hoped for but, sh**, this didn’t take me as long as I thought it would, either. But don’t get too impressed, in my haste I could have linked to just about anything!)

And last, but not least, a little gem I just happened to find while searching You Tube. If you don’t click on another thing on this page, make sure you click on this:

Korean Boy singing Hey Jude

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUIE!

There are certain milestones in each of our lives that demand attention and recognition. One of those is the occasion on which we turn 21 years old and in essence, become an adult. (Or as some people might note, when one becomes of legal drinking age. In which case, I would encourage one to exercise good judgment as well as moderation.)

My amazing nephew Buie, turns 21 today. Well, yesterday, because I am an idiot and can’t manage to accomplish anything on time anymore due to working 10 hours a day and resembling something out of Dawn of the Dead. But since I can’t turn back time, we’ll be celebrating here, in my screwed-up world, today.

Buie is known for his penchant for drunken supermodels and calling people by their wrong names. He impersonates other people on the phone and gets me everytime, even though he does it unintentionally. He may, on occasion, be a serious individual, but I’m just guessing because personally, I’ve never witnessed it. Or if I did, I didn’t recognize it and thought he was goofin’. He’s got this uncanny talent for sporting facial hair in different places and always pulling it off. (Not the hair, the looking-good part.)

One of my favorite memories of this boy, growing up, was when he was three or four years old. He was running with scissors a stick and as boys will do, fell and somehow managed to ram the stick up his nose (I know!) which caused some profuse bleeding. We lived close and being how mother’s sometimes freak in these situations, Hazel called us and we ran right over. PD, who’s got a stronger stomach than either Hazel or I, set about inspecting the wound to determine exactly where the blood was coming from. In the middle of the examination, that darling little bleeding boy with the beautiful big brown eyes looked up at PD and said (in his best Elmer Fudd voice, ” Is [PD] a doctor?” …

… Which reminds me of the time when he and his family were on a camping trip and, en route, stopped for a potty emergency and some things had to be unloaded from the car to let the full-bladdered one out. Mostly everything got put back in afterward with the exception of a sleeping bag, left on the roof. When Hazel got back on the road, Buie, again in Fudd-mode, was kind enough to alert her that, “Someteen fied off da woof!”

Yeah, he’s something. And I know he’s feeling all elated cause he’s gotten a full post out of me dedicated to him. But dammit, he reads here, and he deserves it. He actually deserved it yesterday, but (I will explain this expression, Buie, if need be) you can’t get blood from a stone.

Love you Buddy, and I hope you have (had) a great day!

(photo courtesy of Hazel and posted with permission)

ANY TAKERS?

Today’s Pisces Horoscope: Jun 11, 2008

Adventurous soul that you are, dear Pisces, are you thinking about a little mischief today? Are you going to propose that you and a friend, or perhaps your romantic partner, skip town for a day and forget about work, household chores, and other routine matters? You’ve been bored lately, so who could blame you if you did? If you decide to do this, however, make sure that everyone knows what’s up. You won’t want to burn any bridges!

I could sure use a day off!