Monthly Archives: July 2008

YOUYOU

I’m going to be Out To Lunch for a few days, maybe longer.  Just to keep things interesting while I’m gone, here are a few things I’d like to know about you.  Just for kicks.  Don’t maybe answer them all at once, because I know you come here every day dying to leave a little of your self here…

~ Do you have an innie or an outie and are you happy with that?

~ What are you listening to right now?

~ If you could go back to any age, knowing what you know now, what would it be and why?

~ What do you like the most and the least about yourself?

~ Do you have a favorite post that I’ve written?  Feel free to elaborate 😉

~ What were you thinking about right before you came here today?

Ok, thanks.  Now go and have yourself a rilly good day.  🙂

“CHECK, PLEASE.”

Okay, YouTube totally stood me up this time.  I don’t get it.  I thought I was doing everything right.  I shower it with attention, promptly answer mail, backrubs now and then… I don’t deserve this.  There must be a good reason.  Should I try again or just sit back and wait?  I don’t want to seem too eager, but playing hard-to-get is really not my style.

Anyway, back to the original programming.  The part that comes after the Prologue…

This is maybe the most difficult post I’ve attempted so far.  I’ve shared this already with a few of you and wasn’t going to talk about it here, but this new thing is going to be part of my life now and not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away.

If you recall, a few weeks ago I saw my doctor, concerned that I was getting short of breath and having headaches and a couple of other complaints that are so insignificant now that I can’t really remember what they were.  I wasn’t quite prepared when he read me the results of the chest x-ray that I had taken.  It seemed like a long time went by from the time he read it to himself before saying it out loud to me. And it could be my imagination but it seemed like he read it to me real fast and then kept going, as if it wasn’t terribly important.  I don’t know him well enough to be sure, but I wonder if it was his way of trying not to alarm me too much.  In the time I’ve been seeing him, one of the things I love about him is his straight-forward, no bullshit manner.  I actually had thought I misheard him and asked him to please stop and go back and say that again.

Chronic pulmonary emphysema,” is what he said.  I got deaf right then.  I couldn’t tell you the next few things he said to me if my life depended on it because all I could hear was a big booming voice in my head screaming, “Emphysema!  You have emphysema.  What the hell is emphysema and what am I going to do with it?”  See, I had myself convinced that the breathing issues were due to anxiety and there’s a pill for that. And it seemed to be working.  Or I had myself believing it, anyway.

You see, in my eyes, only old people get emphysema.  Coal miners and overweight people who are too stupid to stop smoking and carry around those horrid, cumbersome oxygen tanks so they can fucking breathe.  But they can’t so they hack and gasp and are not fun to be around.

No, I don’t personally know any of these people so I can only go on second-hand impressions.  I just know that I don’t want to be like them.  I know I should feel sorry for them but at this point I’m just angry and I hate that every  other pack of cigarettes I’ve smoked in the past was emblazoned with the words “Smoking Causes Emphysema” and I thought for some fucking reason that it did not apply to me.  It’s not like eating jalepeno peppers even though you know you’re going to get a pretty miserable case of heartburn.  Or drinking that fourth glass of alcohol, knowing you’re going to have a pretty nice hangover in the morning.  Nope, not like that at all.

So I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now.  There is still a lot I need to research and talk to my doctor about.  I have a pulmonary function test scheduled for Aug. 8th.  Between now and then I imagine I’m going to feverishly plot to find a way to purge myself of this evil intruder.  Yeah right.  The scariest words I’ve read lately are “progressive,” “incurable,” and “irreversible.”

And get this.  Now I have something in common with Amy Winehouse.  She’s fucking 24 years old and recently diagnosed with emphysema.  I’m gonna give her a call.  Maybe we can do lunch.

(okay, so maybe that’s not true after all…)

I’ve decided that my mom and PD’s parents seriously don’t need to know about this, so I’d appreciate no one saying anything about it.  I know that is a weird request, being that I’m telling the whole rest of the world.  Still, and I’m not talking about it at work either, so…  Just sayin’.

PATIENCE, PLZ

If you recall, on a previous occasion, YouTube and I were on the “outs,” when it/they took its/their good old time sending a video here for me to post about. Seems that tonight is another one of those occasions. I’m waiting and getting sleepier by the minute. I jus’ wanted to share a video with you and also tell you that I’m excited that Kate, the BFF since first grade, and I are getting together tomorrow to spend some much-needed time together. I plan to blow a wad of money 🙂 That is a rare and beautiful occasion, let me tell you… Much like our get-togethers. But always an event. I already told her that lunch will be my treat and there will be no arguments. I’m thinking of getting a new do (hair) but mostly I’m just anticipating laughing a lot. There is a long list of subjects we need to catch up on. It will be our first trip to Pittsburgh Mills Mall together.

So I’m going to get a good night’s sleep. If the vid shows up between now and the time I get to edit things, plz refrain from commenting until it’s my version of “ready.” Thx.

Good Night 🙂

PROLOGUE, KINDA

Okay, here’s the thing.

I haven’t been on here much. Not exactly because I didn’t want to be. I kind of didn’t, but it was more the fact that everything I wanted or needed to say required lengthy explanations and background and things I didn’t really want to talk about. But I got to thinking as I’m prone to do once in awhile and I thought, this is all going to come out sooner or later so it might as well be now. Every time in the past that I’ve decided for one reason or another not to blog about something, I ended up doing it anyway. Because this is my therapy. I need my blog. If I held everything in and didn’t let it out, I’d explode. I might one day anyway, but it won’t be because I didn’t have a blog.

Most of my readers are friends and family. Some are online friends on many different levels. Some I have regular IM conversations with and others I share regular and irregular emails with. And I just ended a sentence with a preposition. Some have been here since the conception of One Wink at a Time and others more recently. Or sporadic or whatever. It still amazes me that we’re here at all (communicating via this medium) and some really cool things have brought us together.

There is this strange and wonderful quality that runs through the blog world and keeps it alive. There is something inside a blogger that, for whatever reason, has to come out. Out in front of the entire world, for crying out loud. It’s a combination of the efforts of the bloggers themselves and the voyeuristic curiosity and devotion of the readers that makes the whole thing work. I’ve never quite figured out what gives me the courage to sit here and share all kinds of crap about myself on a page that anyone in the universe with the means (PC, Blackberry, laptop, whatever) has access to. Do we all have delusions of grandeur or some deep-seeded (seated? never quite worked that out) need to be heard/read? Is the relative anonymity enough of an impetus to give us an outlet for all our personal thoughts and ideas? I often wonder what is more real, the blogger or the person in “real life.” Would we all be as vocal in our daily lives if other people were required to sign in or type a password before responding? Or not speak face-to-face? I dunno. It doesn’t matter all that much really to me. I just know that my blog has afforded me an outlet I’d never had before and brought me in contact with a great number of really interesting and fun people who I’d never had the chance to talk with otherwise… People who have surprised and delighted me on more occasions than I could count. People who are amazingly willing and ready to offer a kind word when I’m having a rough time and always there to laugh with me when times are good. I hope those same people consider me when they contemplate their own positive experiences in blogging.

Now here I’ve gone on and on and didn’t even address what I came on here to say. Now I have to change the title and save it for a future post. This, I guess was just a prologue to the posts I’ll be posting in the days to come…

Uh, yeah. One of the great things about Back Porch Blogging? Watching a teeny, wee little spider crawl down under your Ctrl key. And waiting for it to come back out. Was hard to see his face, not sure what he was thinking.

MIDWEEK MUCK

I’m feeling some pressure to post something here, even though I have virtually nothing of value or interest to share. This has probly happened only a couple of times since I started blogging. That’s frightening to me. What if I wake up some day and REALLY don’t have ANYTHING to say???!!!

Speaking of frightening, this morning on my way to work, something off to the right of my dashboard caught my eye. Of all things, my passenger airbag warning light flicked on and off a couple of times, completely freaking me out. All I could imagine was an airbag deploying as I was driving at 60mph. (Yeah, so… it was in a 45… it was 5:30 in the morning and no other cars were on the road. Just some assorted colorful roadkill. And the threat of driving with the Hindenberg in my face was enough to slow me down. So shut up.) Turns out, the tote bag I tossed on the seat next to me was heavier than usual, tricking my seat sensor into believing that the seat was actually occupied. Thanks for figuring that out for me JuJu. Your beauty is surpassed only by your intellect and deductive reasoning skills. (did i word that right? you know what I mean.)

Speaking of JuJu, she and her family are coming to visit for the weekend and I CAN’T WAIT. I promise to have pictures.

But now I must begin preparing for bed. Why do I need to prepare for bed you ask? Have I ever shared my ridiculous bed-time ritual/routine with you? Let me do that now. I’m not going to be neat or grammatical or chronological or anything cause I’m in a hurry. Before bed, this is the checklist that I go through in my brain. And usually I actually accomplish most of it. This is how I spend from 9pm to whenever, most nights. Here goes:

Make sure phone is charged. Make sure iPod is charged. Put breakfast bar, snacks, current magazine reading and iPod in tote. Put wallet and sunglasses, etc. in whichever purse I’m carrying. Fill Senseo up with water and coffee pod. Lock lid and put mug in place. Toss a bottle of water in the freezer. Check email one more time and shut down laptop (done either before or after shower depending on degree of tiredness. Before, if tiredness > 8.0) Shower. Confer with PD briefly on whether AC is coming on to determine what sleeping attire is called for. (Opt for buff, T-shirt and boxers or flannel-lined and dress accordingly. Or not.) Remove contacts and apply special anti-aging eye cream (thanks, Ju…) and quick slather of facial tanner-moisturizer. Wash hands thoroughly to prevent orange palms and fingernails. Lotion on legs, neck area and elbows and hands. Flail hands wildly to dry so I can set 2 alarms and one cellphone alarm. Throw phone under pillow. Position bedroom window to allow for night breeze if no AC on. If AC on, throw extra blanket on bed. Push button on CD player for night time serenade of Miserere, repeat all. Run down stairs to retrieve forgotten water bottle from freezer. Kiss PD goodnight and have short conversation consisting of “Love you, thanks for dinner, sleep well, sweet dreams, “happy whatever-the-next-day-is” and anything last-minute that needs discussing.” Fall, exhausted, into bed. Position multitude of pillows appropriately and place partially-frozen bottle of water on coaster on night stand beside fan for midnight sweat attacks. Dig around under pillows for reading material and get comfortable. Read one chapter. Bury book under pillows, turn off bedside lamp. Proceed to commence prayers and hope to get through list of petitions. If I’m lucky I remember everything, but usually don’t. Nine times out of ten I have to go back downstairs to take a pill or wash my travel mug. Both of which I forgot in my list. See?

So there you have it, or most of it anyway. Goodnight. I’m running behind.

SUNDAY ENTERTAINMENT

Klaxons – It’s Not Over Yet – Official Music Video

I’ve been back and forth with this band, like some of their stuff, not all. But I’m really liking this video. And the song is growing on me. I do know one thing, these guys are way easy on the eyes 😉 If you like it, there’s a very similar vid they did called Forgotten Works.

Incidentally, Klaxons is Greek for “to shriek”…

How was my weekend? I’m still kind of tired from “the procedure” but Hazel was in town for a birthday party and I coerced her to spend the night here instead of driving home late. We had a blast, up till the wee hours of the morning and laughing like crazy. She’s signed on to YoVille, (if you know what that is, I couldn’t find a good link to show you) and she had me in stitches. Everyone should have a sister as cool as she is.

WHO’S HAPPY NOW?

After a harrowing night/day, I’m glad to report two things.  I’m tougher than I thought, being that I didn’t die and the other thing being that I’ve got a clean and healthy colon.  The doc even said that I can probly go 5 years until I need to schedule another colonoscopy.  What a relief.

Of course I had a “complication” of sorts.  Very incidental but there just never is anything that gets pulled off without a hitch when I’m involved.  My IV infiltrated (I’m pretty sure that’s the word the nurse used. I understood when she told me, but being that it was before my drug-induced forgetfulness, I’m not 100% sure that was the word now.)  What happened was that the saline they gave me initially (to prevent dehydration) was no longer entering my vein, it was just going wherever it wanted to in my arm.  I first noticed some pain, like a dull ache, around the area inside my elbow.  After a little bit, it wasn’t so dull anymore and I noticed that that part of my arm was cold to the touch.  And then there was blood in that part that peeks out from under the tape.  So they had to take that out and start another one in my other hand.  So now I’m bruised up on both sides.  Other than that, though, from what I can remember, everything else went fine.  Except that they won’t let you leave the hospital until your body does a certain thing which I can’t say (Raggy!) and of course my body wouldn’t do it so we were there awhile longer than I would have liked.

I was pretty tired when we got home so I took a nap.  When I woke up, I was surprised to find that PD had built a fire and cracked open a special bottle of wine we’d been saving and the neighbors H & S, who we love, had come over.  So we had a rilly fun night out under the stars and laughed and totally enjoyed the night.

Lately I’ve been feeling “different…”  Not sure if I can explain it but I’ll try.  I’m not sure if its because I’ve had way more happening that I can’t control or if I’m just become more aware of my own mortality.  (Ugh, that’s a big scary word)  But I’ve been working so hard at changing my attitude toward things, like what’s important and what’s not.  Trying not to care so much, trying to rise above things, trying to muster up courage and coping ability, desperately wanting and needing a change…  Those kinds of things.  I find myself imagining myself as another variation of me.  Notice I didn’t say another person, that’s not what I mean.  Sometimes I feel like throwing out all my clothes and just keeping the jeans and T-shirts.  I think about dying my hair and getting a tattoo or something.  Like a motorcycle.  I dunno what’s going on, but my thoughts keep drifting to this stuff.  Maybe it’s my inner “guy” coming out and he’s having a mid-life crisis.  It will probly just pass and I’ll move on to feeling some other way.  Who knows.  It’s late.  In the last 48 hours, I’ve been starved, drugged and now, rather tipsy on one (big) glass of wine.  Maybe I better give it a rest.  Going to go sit on the porch and talk to Mr. Moon and then call it a night.  Thanks for listening.

There used to be a commercial for Coke, I think… something about giving the world a hug if I could.  Yeah, I feel like that right now.

NO SH**!!!

I haven’t been here much lately and I hope you didn’t miss me. Wait. Yeah, I hope you did. I missed you.

Anyway, I’ve been busy evacuating. And I don’t mean getting the hell outta Dodge. And you must congratulate me because due to all this, it’s official- No one can accuse me of being full of shit. It is sooo official, that I’m now six pounds lighter due to the gonefulness of the shit.

In case you’re not keeping up with me here, I’ve just about completed the prep for my colonoscopy which is scheduled for 2pm this afternoon. It is now 7:52 am and I have 8 more minutes in which I may enjoy drinking my last clear liquids (yummy water) until 2:00. I can’t even tell you how much crap I’ve drunk in the last 48 hours. I can however, tell you that I’ve about used up one entire roll of Charmin Ultra and about 147 gallons of water just for flushing. I’ve been surviving on a container of yogurt that I had for breakfast yesterday morning and Gatorade mostly. And I look fabulous. Ha. You know those times where you feel so shitty that you don’t give a shit what you even look like? Well, that’s about how fabulous I look. Just can’t wait to get this over with.

I love how it’s taken me half an hour to write this, on accounta’ three four trips to the bathroom in the mean time. I may not feel so hot or look so great or even retained a sense of humor through this… But I need to thank PD for putting up with me the past week or so. He’s been awesome. I shit you not. And yeah, I broke down and had a cigarette last night. In fact, he’s the one who handed it to me. He didn’t light it for me though, he knows when to back off.

TTYL

Oh Wait! HAPPY FIFTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TO MR AND MRS JUJU!!! Hugs, Kisses and Congratulations, Lovebirds 🙂

(JUST A LITTLE) CRAZY

I found a guy. I’m going just a little crazy over him. I’m not sure how I found him, maybe by the end of this post I’ll remember.

He’s a musician, and as I tend to do, I’m becoming obsessed with him. Or his music, rather, (although he is “my type.”) I don’t know a lot about him except that he worked with Peter Gabriel on his Big Blue Ball Project. Dammit, if I could remember where I read that I’d be able to tell you how I came across him. I’m probly going to spend the remainder of the weekend reading everything I can possibly get my hands on to find out more about him. Which is going to be difficult, you see, I’ve opened my last pack of cigarettes. You read that right, MY LAST PACK OF CIGARETTES. And when I’m obsessing and reading and excited about something, that’s when I tend to do my best smoking. Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll be going just a little crazy.

Didn’t mean to get off the subject… Anyway, this guy reminds me just a little of Paul Westerberg, my most favoritest singer/songwriter, ever. He dresses just a little crazy like Paul. His words and melodies kinda have the same effect on me. Whether or not he’s a musical genius like Paul, well, that remains to be seen.

Joseph Arthur is the guy. Have you heard of him? I predict, Piglet, that he is going to be rilly famous. Of course, he could already be and I’m just a little behind. I’ve told you before that I don’t listen to “mainstream” so I don’t know what’s being played on the regular radio. (This happened to me when I found Blue October. I was flipping out and later found out that they’d been enjoying radio air time for quite some time and everyone had heard of them but me.)

My favorite song of his is called Can’t Exist. So far, anyway. PD has been watching eBay for me and today I got one cd (Our Shadows Will Remain.) Tow others (Redemption’s Son and Come to Where I’m From) are on their way 🙂 I got just a little crazy waiting so I downloaded a couple songs from iTunes already. Yeah, well. And I’m excited to find out that he’s got a new cd coming out next week.

So this awesome eBay seller sends a couple of little bonuses along with my order. One was a promotional cd (not for sale) that is so cool I’m going to do a whole post about it soon. In the mean time, brush up on your Magnetic Fields, so you’ll know what I’m tawkin’ about. (If you’re a Lemony Snickett fan, Stephin Merritt of the Magnetic Fields did the tunes.)

Excuse me now, I got stuff to do. Oh yeah, HAPPY CRACKER JACK DAY!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

Wishing everyone a safe, dry (maybe even sunny) and happy holiday.

Not to appear unpatriotic (because I am…) but I felt it necessary to include this little snippet, courtesy of Urban Dictionary‘s Word of the Day:

July 04: fourth of july

The day people light things on fire, and blame it on loving their country.

police officer: hey, you kids, that type of fireworks is illegal!
kid: dude, its the fourth of july. just showing some love for my country.
police officer: oh. in that case. toss me an m-80.