Monthly Archives: February 2010

DIVERSION

The Airborne Toxic Event – Gasoline

Just in case you ever doubted how much fun this band is… Even if you’re not a fan you have to admit that they would be rilly fun to hang out with.  They are : )

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WINTER TEARS

I’ve been loving this song, Winter Tears by Mark O’Sullivan aka Goatboy for several months now.  It never had as much meaning to me as it does now, being knee-deep (pun intended) in the throes of Old Man Winter.  The song is from Mark’s EP Moon After Yule (available here.)  I should have the EP in my hands very soon and am excited to hear the whole thing.   You can read about him here also.  Very interesting read.

You Tube didn’t give me a share option for my blog for this video, if it’s not here, please take the time to C+P the link into your browser and give it a listen.  I promise you’ll like it.  Or maybe even love it as I do.

ALL OVER THE PLACE

(If you came here looking for anything slightly resembling humor, encouragment, enlightenment or something of merit,  do yourself a favor and shoot yourself in the foot instead.  Consider yourself warned.)

I noticed recently that the fact that I’m feeling very restless and unmotivated  could very well be the direct result of not having written much here in the past months.  Too much baggage in mah head.  I’ve totally lost sight of the reason I started blogging in the first place.   This therapeutic cleansing of the clutter clogging up my skull was the coolest cure I could come up with. (check out the alliteration, literary bitches!) And I’m still not exactly sure why I’ve quit slowed down to almost a trickle.  Yeah, I’m addicted to the instant gratification and the convenience (not the word I want) of places like Facebook.  It’s quick and easy to jot off a few words off the top of my head a few times a day as opposed to sitting in front of this BIG white box screaming at me to fill with whatever is swimming around in my brain. I come here at random intervals and am filled with a compassion much like sitting facing an old dear friend who says nothing but whose eyes are filled with a look of questioning.  I’m not sure what my friend needs or wants me to say and not sure what I’m willing to share.  Maybe not so much willing but wondering if what I have to say is what the friend wants to hear.  Is this what writer’s block feels like?  I’ve been blogging nine months short of 5 years and don’t recall ever being at a loss for blog fodder.  That really doesn’t sound like such a long time.  In reality, though, it has felt like such a big part of my life for so long that it seems much longer.

This could also be explained by the fact that my life feels to be at a standstill.  The winter thing… not just the season of the year but nearing the “winter” stage of my life.  Many things that have happened during the last year or so have forced me to slow down, made it necessary for me to let go of some “things” that kept me going full force.  We all age.  Normally it’s so gradual that we barely notice the changes.  Being that I’ve never been one to do things in a normal way, (and not always by choice) it so happens that my “gradual” was more of an instantaneous thing.  Not that it happened overnight, of course.  A bunch of events occurring and overlapping created a kind of chain reaction which resulted in a kind of head-on collison.  Much like a snowball rolling down a hill into a brick wall.  Working all that gawdawful overtime for so long caused me to get behind on so many things and that shit doesn’t just go away.  It accumulates and that glob becomes a mighty big monster.  And working long hours for a year without good sleep takes a toll on a body.  I’m not even going to address how it affects one’s state of mind.  It’s all connected.  Throw in a broken bone, a kidney stone and a drop in income (post OT) and see that glob monster?  It still doesn’t go away.  Then, gloriously, up pops a major holiday that you’re not entirely prepared for but welcome the festivities for the mental and emotional boost it provides.  Then the holiday is gone like the wind and what you’re left with is basically, a big mess,  a financial dent and an empty quiet house.  Which I could handle, as I do every year except that this year there’s an added anti-bonus.  A ton of snow and little or no sushine. (my other god.)   So if you’re reading this and “seeing” me devoid of most of what I need to get by, your picture is accurate.

Okay, so I’m experiencing a low point.  Maybe I just miss my kids.  Maybe I am just completely pissed at myself for lighting a cigarette after 6 days of cold turkey.  Maybe I simply need a new haircut.  Maybe I can’t force myself to take down my Christmas tree. (I know…)  Maybe I need medicated.  Maybe I wish that was me snowboarding in the Olympics.  Maybe I should replace my favorite jeans that are falling apart.  Maybe I should just shut up.

(I hope none of this shows on my face. I have to get my driver’s license photo taken in the morning.  Ha!)

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

(I kinda stole this from two of my favorite Valentines, Daily Piglet and David Letterman)

TOP

I had this funny idea just now.  I was going to call this post DRUGS.  That way, when someone commented,  on my side bar, it would show peoples’ pictures and beside it would say “on drugs” thereby appearing what *you* would look like on drugs.  Ok, funny in kind of a sick way but still.  But being that most of you show up here as pretty quilt patches, it wouldn’t be so funny.

Anyway… Happy Friday and have a good weekend.

FAIL

Yeah, I caved. Story later. Maybe.

DAY SIX (part deux)

Ok, today was not so hot.  I mentioned that the mind part is giving me some grief but I had more physical issues today than the past couple days. I have waves of irritation and everything up to and including rage that come and go when I get stressed. I’m not equipped to handle it and I cry.  It’s a helpless, hopeless feeling.  PD tells me I’m doing it wrong (he’s anti-cold turkey.)  If, in the next few days I’m not finding a constructive way to channel this, I may consider  calling the dr.  I’m clenching my teeth too much. I really don’t want to take anything or chew anything or plaster patches on myself. Not sure why I feel that way.  Maybe just stubbornness… I want to do this my own way and on my own terms.  PD and I are going to talk about it and I’ll see how I do tomorrow. I think if I could just get away from people and stress for a block of time it would make a difference.  If I hadn’t had my iPod at work today, I’m afraid that I would have caused a ruckus, and it would not have been cool.  The hot flashes have reared their ugly heads in a BIG way.  I feel like I’m needing reinforcements but not ready to wave the white flag yet.

DAY SIX

Yesterday was not so bad.  The evening, again was my worst time but it was more bearable.  The hardest part now is when it hits me that No, I can’t have a cigarette.

I didn’t wake up around midnight last night as I have been.  There were other wake-ups but not that big, disturbing one that I’d been having.

One day at a time.  Oh yeah, gained 3 pounds so far.

DAY FIVE

Yesterday wasn’t all that bad until last evening after dinner. The entire evening, all I could think about was wanting a cigarette.

The sleeping thing has gotten better, but only in that I know what to expect when I wake up suddenly out of a dead sleep.  Not sure what’s up with that but it’s hard to get back to sleep.

I’m hoping for a better day today.  I’m starting to notice a lot of the psychological effects and didn’t realize exactly how much your brain can screw with your mind.

SMOKELESS STILL

Today was Day Three.  Not entirely bad.  I’m hoping last night was the worst of it.  Breaks at work were weird.  I realize that even in the worst weather, going outside to smoke was a welcome quarter of an hour away from the masses.  There really is nowhere to go in our facility other than the cafeteria on break unless you go outside.  I imagine that when the weather breaks I’ll probly go out and walk around the perimeter of the building on break. Fresh air and exercise.

My four worst times today were right before leaving the house to go to work, after lunch, when I left work and just now after dinner.  It will hit me again at bedtime I’m sure.  I’ve only cried once so far and that was when I got home today.  I kept catching myself thinking all day, as soon as I get home this will all go away and I’ll feel better.  When I would realize that I was thinking that, reality would set in and I’d feel an instant letdown.  Kind of like looking forward to a steak cooked on the grill and then finding out the propane tank is empty.  Only different because I’d love a cigarette sixty thousand times more than a steak cooked on a grill.  And I would not feel let down if the steak actually got up and walked away because steak and tobacco are not in the same league for me.

Cassie B suggested that I try writing on the blog each day and maybe get support and encouragement from readers.  I had been considering that.  The only downside to that is that writing causes me to think of smoking.  I’ll blame that on James Caan from Misery whose character (an author)  only ever smoked after completing a manuscript and even then, just one cigarette. But I will try writing each day.  It may not be any fun for you but it might be a little bit therapeutic for me.