A Blog Can Serve a Purpose (and other observations)

I’ve all but abandoned this blog. Once upon a time it served a purpose.  I used it to empty out my head every now and then.  Then, quite a while ago, I found other places to distribute the stuff that was clogging up my brain… maybe not entirely emptying it out but more or less dribbling things out in starts and stops and spurts.

But now I have this ridiculously saturated medulla or cerebellum or whatever you call it and there’s no way I could possibly drain it sufficiently without coming back here. So, over the next few hours or days or however long it takes, I’mma gonna be here emptying out my brain and my heart and whatever else I can squeeze out so I can have my old self back… the one that can sleep and rationalize and communicate intelligibly, (even carry on a conversation) and emote and add and subtract.

As it stands right now, it’s 2:19am. I’m supposed to be waking up in 3 hours to go back to work after having been off for a week. Unless you count the weekends, in which case it would be 9 days. That’s how long it took to watch my mom die and see to it that she got a proper burial and deal with the aftermath. Partially, anyway.

And all that stuff up there left me with a head the size of a [insert something of impressive volume here] full of bombarding thoughts and not a clue as to how to sort them out and make sense of any of it.  I know, because I’ve spent the last four or five (I can’t even count anymore) nights trying.  And that was on top of the daunting task of trying to cry.

There’s something about watching your mother die and not being able to cry that just doesn’t sit well with me. I dunno, it just doesn’t feel normal.

Stay tuned for part two, four, five, three , seven, twelve, eight and however many more it takes to get me the hell through this.

4 responses to “A Blog Can Serve a Purpose (and other observations)

  1. This is one of the reasons I started blogging, but somewhere along the way I made local friends (started blogging right after moving a long way from home) and other sites pulled my readers’ eyeballs away, leaving my comments area — once abuzz with discussion — a veritable wasteland. Glad you’re back out here actually saying meaty things, vs. my occasional fluff post made only to fool myself into believing I haven’t dropped my blog like a hot rock.

  2. Let the brain draining begin!

  3. I am glad you have this place to work things out. Writing and talking are how I work through things, so I totally understand how you feel. I am so sorry about your loss…I can’t even imagine how that feels. I hope things get better for you soon. Don’t feel like you have a deadline…everyone works through grief at different speeds and there is no right or wrong way.

  4. I’m sorry for your loss as well. At the time my mother died I had no outlet like a blog and don’t know how I got through it, but it did. She had pancreatic cancer and just watched her die for 11 months and it was a terrible time. I was on my own raising 4 daughters. You hang in there and in time you will heal but hold her memories close.

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