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 My cousin died this morning.


  I’m having a really hard time processing this.


  My cousin has been struggling with a bi-polar disorder for most of her life. She’s been in and out of hospitals and much of her life has been a living hell. She’s struggled to keep a marriage together, managed to raise two amazing kids and has been a chain-smoker for as long as I can remember.  

  She and I shared a closeness despite the fact that we’ve only been together a few times in our lives, due to the fact that she’s always lived in a different state. We’d met when we were little wee and a handful of other times, mostly at family weddings or funerals.  The last time we were together was at a family reunion a ton of years ago. She and I took a long walk together and spoke of Life and Family and things of that nature. We were like-minded, kindred souls. We shared a birthday.

  And now, all I can think about is that, despite all her struggles, the pain that she lived with… how her family dealt with her dark times, the unexplained silences and frustrations of never being able to make her happy… now they are making funeral arrangements and saying goodbye.

  A month or so ago, her brother told me she had cancer. When I asked him how she was dealing with the news, he told me that she was so medicated that she probably wasn’t even truly aware of what was going on.  I decided that it was a blessing, of sorts.  And yet it all seemed so unfair to me.  As far as I knew, she and her husband had patched up some rough spots and relocated to another state, bought a house and were attempting to start a new life together in a new climate with new surroundings.

  But I hadn’t had the time to put together my thoughts and feelings enough to contact her and let her know I loved her and that I would be there for her.  I’d told her during our walk at that family reunion years ago that I said a prayer for her every day. She was genuinely touched by that sentiment and thanked me with all her heart. I’ve continued to do that all these years and I see now that all those prayers added up to precisely not much of anything at all.  

  I wonder if even for a split second, she thought of me before her last breath. If she could feel that I cared or that I’ll always keep her in my heart and that I cherish the memories of times we spent together. I should have told her.

  I should have made the time.


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.


I got all kinda stuff to tell ya but first things first. I got an important event coming up Saturday night and I kinda wanna look okay. I will receive an award for having been employed for 10 years by the company I work for. After scrounging through tons of clothes in search of something that would span these newly-acquired 10 pounds (for you Canucks, that’s aboot a ton in metrics) I narrowed it down to these two dresses. Please give (free) honest opinions. I still have 2 1/2 days to find something else if y’all think these both look bad. I took the pics with two different shoes, you need to tell me which looks better. The ankle strap ones are not as comfortable if you need a tie-breaker. Picture both with jewelry, stockings, purse, etc. I don’t have time for that shit, those are all last-minute details. I do, however, promise to comb my hair and put some make-up on. Now, if I can’t load three pictures, I’m screwed and wasted a quarter of an hour on this post.

Update: Ok, none of that worked and I did indeed waste what now totals over an hour of pissing around.  Dammit, just go here.  No, there’s no back view of Dress #2, the best part. :-Þ

I’m seriously considering packing this all up and going back to Blogger. The New Blogger, that is.


Sleepy Baby Monkey

This will tug at your heartstrings.


The Shins – Turn On Me

Letterman performance Jan 23, 2007. This song is from their newest cd entitled “Wincing the Night Away.” Dave is being himself there at the end…


It’s taken me nearly half a century but I think I have found the secret to weight gain.

I probly lost all of my readers just then. 

I am the only person I know who has been on a life-long un-diet.  I’ve tried peanut butter sandwiches.  Ice cream.  I have only counted calories for one short period of aboot two months in my life.  That being, when I was pregnant with JuJu and had gained 40 lbs. as opposed to the total of 20 lbs in 9 months of pregnancy with Michael, my firstborn.  Even after Ju was born when I had maxed out at 158 lbs, I tried to keep some of that extra baby weight on my lanky bones and was unsuccessful.  I think I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within days of her birth.

I think it’s all in my metabolism.  The other female members in my family seem to have the opposite problem.  None of them are overweight but they work at it.  I exercise sporadically.  I dearly wish I possessed the wherewithal to keep at it.  Toning and tightening I could use.  But as for actual daily exercise, I suck.  But I rarely sit still.  It pains me to sit in a chair for an entire two hours to watch a movie.  When there is music on, I’m moving.  I don’t walk up or down stairs, I run.  I can’t walk slow.  I’m just very active.  So I’m sure I burn up calories as quick as I take them in.  I’m no slouch in the eating department, you can ask anyone who knows me.  I can seriously wolf large amounts of food.  And enjoy every minute of it. 

Recently, though, I’ve noticed jeans getting snugger.  I really looked in the mirror after showering the other night and happily found that my collarbone no longer sticks out.  I can’t count my ribs.  Woo hoo!  Curious, I stepped on the scale and found that I had gained 6 pounds.  And to what do I attribute this gain?  There is only one thing that I have been doing differently or have added to my already calorie-laden diet.  Aboot a month ago I started supplementing my 1/2 cup of coffee with English Toffee Cappuccino.  That is the only thing I know of that could possibly have accounted for the new weight.

So, if you’re feeling scrawny or just would like to bulk up a bit, I’m tellin’ ya, half a cuppa joe plus half cappuccino.  I recommend the English Toffee, but I imagine anything else would do.  Except maybe the fat-free French Vanilla.


I’m getting antsy. Right now the wind is howling outside, the temperature has dropped and it’s snowing. I’m crossing my fingers for better weather for Ju’s trip here tomorrow.

Work has been crazy this week. They’ve been doing test runs (no need for you to understand and I don’t have time to explain) which has added a bit of stress to the mix… of new people being trained, supervisor off sick, just a bunch of out-of-the-ordinary stuff to make the week seem longer. Those beautiful days when the sun actually came out and melted snow seem long gone already. So tomorrow I’m wearing my imaginary TGIF shirt. And a big smile.

Nothing interesting to say, I just wanted to use my Pretty New Blog.