(If you came here looking for anything slightly resembling humor, encouragment, enlightenment or something of merit, do yourself a favor and shoot yourself in the foot instead. Consider yourself warned.)
I noticed recently that the fact that I’m feeling very restless and unmotivated could very well be the direct result of not having written much here in the past months. Too much baggage in mah head. I’ve totally lost sight of the reason I started blogging in the first place. This therapeutic cleansing of the clutter clogging up my skull was the coolest cure I could come up with. (check out the alliteration, literary bitches!) And I’m still not exactly sure why I’ve quit slowed down to almost a trickle. Yeah, I’m addicted to the instant gratification and the convenience (not the word I want) of places like Facebook. It’s quick and easy to jot off a few words off the top of my head a few times a day as opposed to sitting in front of this BIG white box screaming at me to fill with whatever is swimming around in my brain. I come here at random intervals and am filled with a compassion much like sitting facing an old dear friend who says nothing but whose eyes are filled with a look of questioning. I’m not sure what my friend needs or wants me to say and not sure what I’m willing to share. Maybe not so much willing but wondering if what I have to say is what the friend wants to hear. Is this what writer’s block feels like? I’ve been blogging nine months short of 5 years and don’t recall ever being at a loss for blog fodder. That really doesn’t sound like such a long time. In reality, though, it has felt like such a big part of my life for so long that it seems much longer.
This could also be explained by the fact that my life feels to be at a standstill. The winter thing… not just the season of the year but nearing the “winter” stage of my life. Many things that have happened during the last year or so have forced me to slow down, made it necessary for me to let go of some “things” that kept me going full force. We all age. Normally it’s so gradual that we barely notice the changes. Being that I’ve never been one to do things in a normal way, (and not always by choice) it so happens that my “gradual” was more of an instantaneous thing. Not that it happened overnight, of course. A bunch of events occurring and overlapping created a kind of chain reaction which resulted in a kind of head-on collison. Much like a snowball rolling down a hill into a brick wall. Working all that gawdawful overtime for so long caused me to get behind on so many things and that shit doesn’t just go away. It accumulates and that glob becomes a mighty big monster. And working long hours for a year without good sleep takes a toll on a body. I’m not even going to address how it affects one’s state of mind. It’s all connected. Throw in a broken bone, a kidney stone and a drop in income (post OT) and see that glob monster? It still doesn’t go away. Then, gloriously, up pops a major holiday that you’re not entirely prepared for but welcome the festivities for the mental and emotional boost it provides. Then the holiday is gone like the wind and what you’re left with is basically, a big mess, a financial dent and an empty quiet house. Which I could handle, as I do every year except that this year there’s an added anti-bonus. A ton of snow and little or no sushine. (my other god.) So if you’re reading this and “seeing” me devoid of most of what I need to get by, your picture is accurate.
Okay, so I’m experiencing a low point. Maybe I just miss my kids. Maybe I am just completely pissed at myself for lighting a cigarette after 6 days of cold turkey. Maybe I simply need a new haircut. Maybe I can’t force myself to take down my Christmas tree. (I know…) Maybe I need medicated. Maybe I wish that was me snowboarding in the Olympics. Maybe I should replace my favorite jeans that are falling apart. Maybe I should just shut up.
(I hope none of this shows on my face. I have to get my driver’s license photo taken in the morning. Ha!)