ALL OVER THE PLACE

(If you came here looking for anything slightly resembling humor, encouragment, enlightenment or something of merit,  do yourself a favor and shoot yourself in the foot instead.  Consider yourself warned.)

I noticed recently that the fact that I’m feeling very restless and unmotivated  could very well be the direct result of not having written much here in the past months.  Too much baggage in mah head.  I’ve totally lost sight of the reason I started blogging in the first place.   This therapeutic cleansing of the clutter clogging up my skull was the coolest cure I could come up with. (check out the alliteration, literary bitches!) And I’m still not exactly sure why I’ve quit slowed down to almost a trickle.  Yeah, I’m addicted to the instant gratification and the convenience (not the word I want) of places like Facebook.  It’s quick and easy to jot off a few words off the top of my head a few times a day as opposed to sitting in front of this BIG white box screaming at me to fill with whatever is swimming around in my brain. I come here at random intervals and am filled with a compassion much like sitting facing an old dear friend who says nothing but whose eyes are filled with a look of questioning.  I’m not sure what my friend needs or wants me to say and not sure what I’m willing to share.  Maybe not so much willing but wondering if what I have to say is what the friend wants to hear.  Is this what writer’s block feels like?  I’ve been blogging nine months short of 5 years and don’t recall ever being at a loss for blog fodder.  That really doesn’t sound like such a long time.  In reality, though, it has felt like such a big part of my life for so long that it seems much longer.

This could also be explained by the fact that my life feels to be at a standstill.  The winter thing… not just the season of the year but nearing the “winter” stage of my life.  Many things that have happened during the last year or so have forced me to slow down, made it necessary for me to let go of some “things” that kept me going full force.  We all age.  Normally it’s so gradual that we barely notice the changes.  Being that I’ve never been one to do things in a normal way, (and not always by choice) it so happens that my “gradual” was more of an instantaneous thing.  Not that it happened overnight, of course.  A bunch of events occurring and overlapping created a kind of chain reaction which resulted in a kind of head-on collison.  Much like a snowball rolling down a hill into a brick wall.  Working all that gawdawful overtime for so long caused me to get behind on so many things and that shit doesn’t just go away.  It accumulates and that glob becomes a mighty big monster.  And working long hours for a year without good sleep takes a toll on a body.  I’m not even going to address how it affects one’s state of mind.  It’s all connected.  Throw in a broken bone, a kidney stone and a drop in income (post OT) and see that glob monster?  It still doesn’t go away.  Then, gloriously, up pops a major holiday that you’re not entirely prepared for but welcome the festivities for the mental and emotional boost it provides.  Then the holiday is gone like the wind and what you’re left with is basically, a big mess,  a financial dent and an empty quiet house.  Which I could handle, as I do every year except that this year there’s an added anti-bonus.  A ton of snow and little or no sushine. (my other god.)   So if you’re reading this and “seeing” me devoid of most of what I need to get by, your picture is accurate.

Okay, so I’m experiencing a low point.  Maybe I just miss my kids.  Maybe I am just completely pissed at myself for lighting a cigarette after 6 days of cold turkey.  Maybe I simply need a new haircut.  Maybe I can’t force myself to take down my Christmas tree. (I know…)  Maybe I need medicated.  Maybe I wish that was me snowboarding in the Olympics.  Maybe I should replace my favorite jeans that are falling apart.  Maybe I should just shut up.

(I hope none of this shows on my face. I have to get my driver’s license photo taken in the morning.  Ha!)

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12 responses to “ALL OVER THE PLACE

  1. Funny that you posted this just a day after I wrote about my recent slowdown on my blog.

    Yes, FaceBook robs us of time we could spend out here. For me, lately it’s been mostly the Olympics distracting my attention. I hope to get back on the horse as soon as the events end.

    You definitely have had a tough year. Here’s hoping that the one to come gets better.

  2. Whenever you want to light up just imagine ‘Soul Meets Body’ and all that other stuff … you will forget to light up – i guarantee

  3. I would love to cheer you up but honestly, I’m no ray of sunshine either! So I will just leave you with some inane glob of text that makes it look like I actually posted something of substance here.

    I have also noticed that making new paragraphs makes something look bigger and more informative than it actually is. I assume that many people will read this comment with interest only to be let down by the lack of anything useful.

    Another great thing about long comments is it makes me look busy whenever someone walks by me. I could be doing something important so they opt not to talk to me just in case. Sometimes that’s the only reason I even get on my computer. Now for the sign off!

    In order to make people read the whole comment instead of just skimming it, you need to make reference to something that may or may not even be there. So you make the last sentence make them want to read the whole comment. In conclusion, if you go to the above mentioned URL you will receive a free big screen TV for your trouble.

  4. Markster: I will get on over there and give it a Sunday morning read. Sad to say, that’s mostly the only time I read other ppl’s blogs these days. But I always look forward to it.
    Altho I rarely watch TV, I’ve made it a point to check out the Olympics in my spare time. Loved the snowboarding especially.

    Mike: So good to see you here. Glad things are looking way up for you. I certainly will take your advice to heart and I’m sure it will help.

    Jeffy: I’m surprised you didn’t end up in my spam… lol. You cheered me up without even intending to. But honestly, I think you know me well enough that you knew full well that you would. I love and appreciate your wacky sense of humor and I cherish your caring.

  5. The “funk” is going around. I haven’t caught it fully yet, just bits and pieces here and there, but I know I will. It’s that time of year when everyone is just ready to be done with winter. For me it’s the extra winter weight I’m carrying around, knowing that on March 1st I will also attempt quitting smoking (I love it, but it’s killing me), hating my job again and not knowing how to change careers without living out of a cardboard box for a year.

    Hang in there, you know I’m always in your corner, got your back…. Here’s a hug and a big cheesy smile for you.

  6. Bailey: Wow, we should totally do lunch. Or better yet… lol

  7. I always slow down in February. It’s my very least favorite month of the year. To cold and too grey.

    Maybe when this awful winter is over – we’re having yet another snow storm, things will look a little brighter.

  8. Cassie: I feel your pain. Although we had a beautiful, warmer sunny day yesterday and I felt so very hopeful. Then someone told me that the Farmers Almanac claims we’re to get 40 inches of snow in March. They’re still looking for the body ; )

  9. good stuff you’ve written here, i am having a similar experience AND having a hard time writing. i guess all we can do is to keep on trudging and it’ll pass?

    xoxo

  10. Blogging got really stale and forced for me over the past few months. Thursday morning I sat here and decided it was enough. I made the announcement and haven’t posted since. I am not sure what is going on, or what I need to do. If I come back it will probably be in a different format, of some kind, but not sure. Right now I do not care that I do not know. I wrote daily for five years and three months and it was good for me. Today, that was enough.

  11. Leah: What is wrong with us??? And Scott now!

    Scott: I’m reading this with mixed emotions. I completely understand your feelings and yet I never thought I would hear (read) you say this. Certain people are my “rocks…” My husband is one. He’s solid, rarely fluctuates in his habits, opinions, etc. I rely on him for continuity and stability, two things completely absent from my own personal repertoire. He balances me out and picks up my slack. To be without him, I would certainly be “all over the place” as my title suggests. I tend to think of you in those sorts of terms. While I’ve never been a consistent reader of yours (unfortunately) just knowing you were there when the inclination hit me was comforting. I know I could come over there and get a hefty dose of optimistic encouragement and/or humor and intelligence.
    I dunno, maybe we dig so far down to pull out parts of ourselves to share that after a while the well runs dry. In my case, I often feel like I’m saying the same thing over and over. How often do my readers want to hear that I’m searching for myself and getting lost in a sea of uncertainty and doubt? *Yawn* Maybe your blog filled a void that no longer needs filling. That’s not true in my case, that void for me- the voice I need to have heard- I think will always be there. My ideal life would be to sit here and spill my guts day after day and get paid to do it, whether anyone else reads it or not. A coupla’ carpal tunnel surgeries and voila`, ready to get back at it.
    At any rate, I am sorry to hear and I hope you are ok with it. You will be sorely missed and I’ll enjoy what you have to say on FB when you post. Hugs for you my dear friend.

  12. My sponsor said it may be that I am offering more and more ‘in person’ service work these days. Whatever it is, I am comfortable with it. For now, anyway.

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