Today was Day Three. Not entirely bad. I’m hoping last night was the worst of it. Breaks at work were weird. I realize that even in the worst weather, going outside to smoke was a welcome quarter of an hour away from the masses. There really is nowhere to go in our facility other than the cafeteria on break unless you go outside. I imagine that when the weather breaks I’ll probly go out and walk around the perimeter of the building on break. Fresh air and exercise.
My four worst times today were right before leaving the house to go to work, after lunch, when I left work and just now after dinner. It will hit me again at bedtime I’m sure. I’ve only cried once so far and that was when I got home today. I kept catching myself thinking all day, as soon as I get home this will all go away and I’ll feel better. When I would realize that I was thinking that, reality would set in and I’d feel an instant letdown. Kind of like looking forward to a steak cooked on the grill and then finding out the propane tank is empty. Only different because I’d love a cigarette sixty thousand times more than a steak cooked on a grill. And I would not feel let down if the steak actually got up and walked away because steak and tobacco are not in the same league for me.
Cassie B suggested that I try writing on the blog each day and maybe get support and encouragement from readers. I had been considering that. The only downside to that is that writing causes me to think of smoking. I’ll blame that on James Caan from Misery whose character (an author) only ever smoked after completing a manuscript and even then, just one cigarette. But I will try writing each day. It may not be any fun for you but it might be a little bit therapeutic for me.