Friday night I smoked the last cigarette.  Most of the people close to me are already getting used to watching me shove copious amounts of small candies into my face (of the M&M, Tootsie Roll, Buttered Popcorn-flavored Jelly Belly varieties to name a few.)  I’ve developed a fondness for a Rainbow trail mix into which I have just dumped the Jelly Bellies and more raisins and sunflower seeds.  Before I’m finished there may be everything but the kitchen sink in it.

I cannot believe the intensity of the cravings I’ve been experiencing.  Being that I’ve spent the last month or so tapering off, smoking only all-tobacco cigarettes, I assumed that the chemicals I was used to ingesting in my old regular brand were what would keep me addicted more strongly than the actual tobacco. I would have thought that at least a month would have been sufficient to get all those chemicals out of my system.

Poor PD, I didn’t realize he was standing two feet behind me just a little while ago when I yelled, at the top of my lungs, “I want a cigarette!” I probly scared him. But you’re right, yeah, no more than usual.

I have done absolutely not one constructive thing this entire weekend. I had planned to fill it with activities to leave no room for my brain/body to even think about how much it would enjoy lighting up. I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish anything. That makes me angry. Angry enough to want to light a cigarette.  In fact just about everything makes me want to smoke.  Here are a few things today that triggered an intense craving:

  • Having a cup of coffee
  • Writing out a birthday card
  • Composing several emails
  • The washing machine going off balance
  • Finishing lunch
  • Answering the phone

There were a ton of other things but just sitting here thinking about them is proving difficult.  So I’m going to stop for now.

Oh yeah, one other thing I’ve noticed… I can’t type for shit anymore.  Every third word or so I end up correcting.  Unnerving?  Yes!  Enough to make me want to smoke?  You bet your ass.  But I won’t. I’m going to go scream in the basement now.

6 responses to “THERE’S A WORD FOR IT

  1. Just as I have never had to lose weight, and so cannot judge those who struggle with that, neither have I ever been a smoker, and so cannot judge anything about quitting.

    My mother (not saying that because you’re anywhere near reminding me of her, but because it happens to be her story) has quit smoking several times, and finally resigned herself to chewing Nicorette gum the rest of her life. My father the dentist gives her hell about destroying her teeth, but I suppose it’s better than lung cancer. Dad quit cold turkey long ago and never picked one up again. I have heard that, for whatever reason, it is more difficult for women to quit than for men. I also have heard that nicotine is more addictive than the “hard” drugs out there.

    Must be hell.

    Here’s to you for starting down the road through it. May your steering wheel never veer, but if so we’ll all be here.

    Sorry. I swear I was not intending to make a rhyme. But I’m leaving it.

  2. Mark: So far I haven’t gained an ounce but that’s a miracle in itself.
    I’ve never heard that it may be harder for women to quit. But if after today, it seems that it’s still going to get worse before it gets better, I’m not hopeful. If today is the worst it gets, then I think I’ll be ok. I’m honestly not optimistic about getting through the workday tomorrow sans cigarettes. But time will tell.
    I’ve never heard of anyone using Nicorette gum like your mom is. Truly never thought of it as an option either, except in the temporary sense.
    I wish to hell I’d never started the habit in the first place.
    Thanks for the amusing rhyme. I need all the laughs I can get right now!

  3. Stay strong Linda, and if all else fails doodle, it got me through some pretty tough cravings.

  4. good luck linda, i know how hard it is. for what it’s worth, i think you maybe said you couldn’t use it? i forgetted. but chantix works well with blocking the nicotine connection and making you not want to smoke. i can honestly say that it did work for me, but i didn’t want to quit enough to let it work for me.

    it can be done, and i know you are strong enough.

  5. Good luck. It’s really a good thing to do.
    Maybe you should post a lot. We bloggers can be your support group.

  6. Hang in there. I know how hard it is. You are stronger than your addiction.

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