Not in keeping with the spirit of The Season, let me get a little something off my chest and then we can get back on track and be all Yule-like and full of tidings of comfort and joy and stuff.
Step outside your pleasant self for a moment… (C’mon, indulge me here for a second.)
Imagine that you’re at work in a large room with about 30 other people, most of them involved some way in their daily job. Now…
Suppose you are annoying and very child-like in your need for constant attention. Imagine babbling on and on about nothing of any consequence for hours upon hours each day. Think what it would be like to never possess an original thought, much less convey one. Speak instead in cliche’s. Old, worn-out cliche’s. And speak them loudly to no one in particular. Concentrate on 3 to 5 unoriginal thoughts per day and repeat them as many times as necessary to insure that everyone in your general proximity hears and has the opportunity to comment on your unoriginality. Each time a conversation (not involving you) originates in another part of the room, stop what you’re doing and wander over and start asking questions of the parties involved. Keep doing that and don’t stop until you’ve completely overtaken the conversation to the point where, finally, it’s all about you. Be oblivious to the fact that the aforementioned parties are all standing there, slack-jawed and stupefied. Now trudge back to what you were doing in the first place, while tossing over your shoulder, “There I go, babbling again!” and laugh obnoxiously. Now start scanning the room for your next victim or victims. When you see someone concentrating on something, anything… approach them and loudly announce, “Not to be nosy, but… and then pronounce something so inanely obvious that makes you sound not only ignorant but unbelievably so. When the interruption causes the person to jump and blink and roll their eyes, say “I’m sorry, I was just asking. Don’t mind me, I’m just nosy.” And then traipse away. Stop several times on your way back through to inspect items on other people’s desks and be sure to remind them also that you’re just being nosy. When you get back to your desk, sit down and begin to act like you’re actually working and then realize that you need to discuss politics or religion or the price of yams with your supervisor. Call out her name loudly. When she doesn’t answer immediately, stand and call out her name even loudly-er until she acknowledges you and shout your reason for interrupting her. When she comes to your desk, engage her in some sort of banter that will insure that none of your work gets done until it’s time for you to take a cigarette break. Remind her at regular intervals that you will be needing a smoke soon. When your break time comes, grab your cell phone and walk down the hall like a battleship slowly with ten or twelve people trying to pass you while you weave back and forth slowly as you text all your friends. Or just call them and talk real loud so everyone around you can have an equal shot at learning all your new “business.” When you get some perverted pictures or dirty jokes texted to you, see how many people you can share them with. And then wonder why Linda is always headed in the opposite direction. And why she answers your questions with “Uh, yeah.” or “Uh, no.” And why, while she seems polite enough, she always looks like she’s clenching her teeth…
Yeah, guys, I realize it’s the Holiday Season and we’re supposed to be all smiles and filled with The Spirit and all that. But holey smokes, this gets old. And what’s really sad? If by some chance this woman were to come upon this post, she’d start reading and probly somewhere around line 5, she’d break out in a huge grin and proudly announce, “This is all about ME!”
I’d be willing to bet my lunch money on it.
Let the lectures begin.