NOTE TO SELF*

*Don’t think out loud on your blog.

Hehe. Turns out there are plenty of salt substitutes out there. And on the shelf in my kitchen. PD does the cooking and he’s the one who’s under doctor’s orders to restrict sodium intake. Today I found a big old box of Morton’s Lite and a bag of some kind of Sea Salt. So now you know that I’m not even aware of the cooking supplies and condiments in my own house. My only involvement, in reality, is that I don’t use the stuff unless my body craves it. And I have not a lot of control over where my mind wanders and what it wonders. Let this be a lesson to me. “Stick to what you know, chick.”

The rest of this, I’m warning you now, is nothing but a rant peppered with a few WTFs which I’ll let you insert anwhere you see fit. Putting it at the end of every sentence seemed redundant to me so I just left them out. This has been coming on for awhile and I wasn’t in the mood to let it out. That may have been evident to those of you who noticed that I’ve not been posting as regularly as is normal for me. I didn’t intend for it to go on this long, just didn’t really have much control over it. If you’re not one to get into someone else’s yucky, intimate stuff, you might as well click on over to your next daily read.

Last chance. “Go to the Light!”

You’re still here. You fool.

Alright, you asked for it.

Out of control is a good way to describe where I’ve been lately. I don’t have a grasp on too much of anything anymore. And I’m too tired to fight to get it back. I don’t know exactly where it went or what I was doing when I lost it. I’m not even totally sure if I ever had it at all. My days are not my own. My nights are just quick little naps frought with fitful tossing and turning interrupted now and then with some sweating and chills, and finally with the blare of one or two of three alarm clocks that I rely upon to rescue me from anything resembling a deep restful sleep. Not sure why I even bother. What I wouldn’t give some days to just go to sleep for about a week.

I realize that I’m really going out on a limb here, opening up here like this. I decided definitely not to until I realized that looking around at people lately and seeing vacant stares and even some of those deer-in-the-headlight expressions, I’m convinced that I’m not the only person feeling like this. And if maybe you’re feeling a little like this, you won’t feel like it’s just you.

The world is showing some serious signs of total insanity these days. We all deal with it differently. Rather than going outwardly berserk, I find myself turning inward for comfort and solace. Am I finding it? No, but it’s less scary in here. I feel like everything I believed in, everything I trusted is slowly turning to a big pile of ash and pretty soon a big old wind is going to come blustering by and carry what’s left of my ashes far, far away.

This could all be stress and hormones, my two favorite scapegoats. It could be the beginning of the End. It could be something in between. My Faith has taken a serious turn for the doubt lately. I’ve been through that many times and It always came back. I’ve just never felt so hopeless and helpless. I’ve always been relatively strong and independent. I used to be sickeningly optimistic. I thought I was depressed. (Now, not then) Maybe I am. But if I am, then so is just about everybody I know. I’ll keep taking the little peach-colored pills. I might feel better in a couple weeks. I might call the doctor tomorrow and ask for something stronger. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

I can still laugh. I know that I still care about important things. I still hurt, I’m not numb. When I think of certain people, I still fill that rush of love swell up in my chest. When I turn the news on and hear that two teenagers were beaten to death with dumbbells, I get sick to my stomach. I still take the time to throw the ball for the neighbors dog to chase when I get home from work. I still look up at the stars and the Moon at night and feel the awe. I look around at all the colored leaves and think how beautiful they are as I’m inhaling the wonderfully sweet and crisp Autumn air. But the whole time I’m clenching my teeth and my shoulders are tight from being tense. I can still relax when I go to bed, it just takes longer. I don’t enjoy the cigarettes anymore, they’re like my mortal enemy. I smoke them for some kind of twisted revenge. I couldn’t even tell you how many PD is putting in my pack each day now. I just light them and smoke them until they’re gone.

I hope I didn’t make you feel dumped on. You don’t even have to say anything. I’ve heard it all. I know what my choices are and what I should and shouldn’t do. I just needed to let this out. If you do comment, I can’t promise that I’ll respond. It’s just how I feel right now, plz don’t take it personal if I don’t. You guys all know how I feel about you and if I didn’t trust you as friends, truly, I wouldn’t have even put this here.

That’s all I have to say right now. Tomorrow is another day. I keep telling myself that.

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9 responses to “NOTE TO SELF*

  1. Pushing you to the top of the prayer list. If there is anything else I can do let me know. Heck, even if you just need a sounding board. As you well know by now we seem to be following the same cycle on some things. I used to think it was a bit odd, not I just realize that God has put us on the same wavelength for some reason, now all we have to do is figure out what that is. More than likely as some kind of support but I am willing to hear your thoughts on this as well.

    Don’t worry about answering or not, I know that when you feel like it, you will. So until then May God bless you richly, and when he does, throw a few scraps my way! πŸ™‚

  2. Jeff: I love you man, and I think I did from day one, I don’t even question it. You just made me cry. But that’s good, I need a good one. Thanks, Amigo.

  3. You’re love, m’dear. Hopefully we’re still on for the 9th.

  4. Time for a late night at your dining room table. Seems to help us put the nasty shit away.

  5. dumped on??? NO! not at all. i honestly wish i could open up and be truthful on my blog w/out feeling like someone would tell my in-laws. i so need to do that.

    i feel like on many a day, but the only thing that pulls me out of it is naief. having a child has been a real blessing for me… but i know where you’re coming from.

    relax…. or try to. i know it’s hard at times, especially when you’re going thru something… even if you don’t know what that something is… do you have a hobby? do you paint? draw? sing? you love music… why not let that pull you out of this blue mood?? put on music, play it loudly and sing and dance along! πŸ™‚ sometimes that makes me feel better… but then again, sometimes the little pink pills work best! πŸ™‚

  6. If I was ever totally open and honest on my blog, I would probably scare off the few remaining readers that I have. While I may be honest, I just don’t tell everything, sometimes my mind is a scary place! πŸ˜‰

  7. As for feeling “dumped on”, I always tell those closest to me “My shoulders are big enough to carry some of your burdens.”
    Otherwise, there are times when saying nothing, while standing nearby, is all that one needs to do. Consider me there, dear friend.

  8. all that i can recommend is to talk, talk, talk and even if it means talking to yourself, do it. you need to change your thinking. and by the way, don’t underestimate hormones and stress finally hitting you like a ton of bricks. i have always been a strong person (probably still am). i lost my mom 20 yrs ago when i was 19 and had twins 11 years ago. two pretty tough things and i did well, up until 2 years ago, i just started hating the world, couldn’t cope, only saw the negative, couldn’t get enough sleep (even though i was getting 10 hrs night).

    i am not recommending or encouraging meds but they work for me and helps me to change my thinking pattern. i don’t particularily care, if the day i die, i have anti-depressants in my system. i am happier now. i didn’t want to live that way.

    also talk talk talk. you’ll start feeling better soon i am sure. get more sleep too.

    giving you a hug now, hope you felt it!

  9. i’m pretty sure you are talking about me here, “When I think of certain people, I still fill that rush of love swell up in my chest.”

    hee πŸ™‚

    this is your party girl, and you can dump/write/sing/dance whatever/however you wants πŸ™‚

    hopefully, the retrograde passing and the election passing will bring some sort of order to us all…

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