WARNING: ANOTHER RANT (PG-13)

I got so much crap going on with doctors and appointments and phone calls that I’m boring the hell out of myself so I’m not going to bore you with it. Except that there isn’t much else going on in my life right now. I’m tired feeling like shit and wishing all the testing, etc. was over with. On top of that crap, I now find that I need to have “female” surgery. Happy happy, Joy, joy. Coordinating all these “procedures” is making me way more stressed than I was originally. We all know how hard it is to get a real person on the other end of a telephone, let alone have one get back to you in a timely manner.

Get this: I can schedule my colonoscopy for July 11. But if I want a consult appointment with the doctor beforehand, I can’t get an office appointment until August 4th. I want a consult appointment with the doctor beforehand, so I’m f***ed. I wanted to get this nightmare of a thing over with first thing before anything else. You ever had a colonoscopy? Then you know what I’m talking about. I think it was invented in the 1800s by the Marquis de Sade, or some other sadistic freaktard. For those of you lucky enough to have never gone “under the gun,” so to speak, it goes something like this:

(In case you were too busy/lazy/whatever to click on the link up there, I guess I should specify that a colonoscopy is a diagnostic TOOL [ahem] to screen one’s colon-large intestine- for cancerous lesions, polyps, etc.) A “flexible” (HA!) tube which measures about 5 feet long (I know!) is inserted into the intestine through exactly where you’re thinking. There is a camera attached to the end of the tube which enables the administering MD the opportunity to see scary things which he will (hopefully and) promptly remove so that you can come back another time and have it all done over again to make sure he removed the scary stuff in the first place. Or so that new scary stuff can be nipped in the bud. (Yeah, bad choice of words, I know.) The patient is put into a “twilight” sleep by a trained and well-paid anesthesiologist who is supposed to know how much of that shit to give you to make sure you’re not aware that you’re in excruciating pain. Or at the very least, so that you don’t remember and kick your doctor in the cajones at your follow-up visit for ripping up your innards. But wait, that’s not the fun part. Actually, what I’ve told you so far is NOTHING compared to the prep for the test.

I’ve had two of these in the past and both times I was awed by the amazing ability the human body has to overcome such adversity as is perpetrated upon it by the means by which one “cleanses” one’s colon. I said that wrong, but you know what I mean. I have a headache, cut me a break.

There are actually several methods by which one may arrive at the same end. (Yeah, I’m losing it, can you tell? And if you’re not laughing then I’m sorely disappointed.) I have always been fortunate enough to choose doctors and surgeons who insist on totally cleaned-out victims and who prescribe the most barbaric and humiliating means of, um, evacuation. I’m trying to to be too graphic, even though I’ve most likely tarnished your opinion of me as a Lady early on in this post…

You have to mix about a gallon of water with the foulest-tasting crap you can imagine. For some reason I always choose Cherry flavor and then I can’t ingest anything that even vaguely tastes like Cherry for a couple of years afterward. You have to drink copious amounts of this at regular intervals until your body furiously revolts and sends you high-tailing it to the nearest privy where you will take up residence for the next twelve hours or so, ending up with not just a sore dupa but a huge red circle imprinted in your butt cheeks from the toilet seat.

I had to laugh, I was reading several articles about ways to ease the stress of the prep. One article suggested:

Take a five-minute walk every 10 minutes during the time you’re drinking the laxative, but stay near a toilet.

I had to read that over again.

So, I hope I didn’t scare anybody, it’s really an important test. Especially if you have a family history like mine which includes colon cancer. I was basically trying to make my own self feel better by venting. It’s really not as bad as I let on. Afterward I have always felt fine. I even have some funny stories associated with the experiences, but I’ll save those for another time. This post has gone on long enough and I’d hate for it to end up in the toilet.

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11 responses to “WARNING: ANOTHER RANT (PG-13)

  1. How can you take a five minute walk and still be near a toilet? Walk around the dining room table I guess.

    You need to tell me about the surgery.

  2. Hazel: My point exactly. I pictured a walking path with a Port-a-Potty every ten feet or so. Walking around the dining room table is what I do in the middle of the night when I wake up with a charley horse… ha
    I don’t think I need to tell you about the surgery. I’m thinking you could write a NC17 synopsis yourself. But if you meant “let me know how it all comes out”… you’re a bitch. lol

  3. My husband had one last year. He didn’t have any trouble until after the procedure. He just couldn’t get rid of the gas. He said the day before was a breeze compared to afterwards. I imagine I will have one this year. I am 50 now and have been diagnosed w/t-cell lymphoma. But first I have to go thru the radation. One thing at a time!

  4. Very funny rant, Wink. Sorry you have to go through that, and not looking forward to the first time I do.

    I remember about 10 or so years ago when it seemed every time we went over to my mother-in-law’s home she was toting around a gallon milk jug filled with that laxative. She drank it right from the jug.

    That line about staying near the toilet during those walk breaks is a classic.

  5. Someone owes me a new keyboard! And a new bottle of green tea, spit half of it out on that last part.

    I have had the joy, I will have to again someday. My exact words the first time were, “You’re going to stick THAT where?” When you first see it it looks kinda tiny, but when you realize where it is going it looks like something used by plumbers to clean out extra large drains.

    One last thing. When I was leaving the doc my parting words were: “I come here and you shove that thing where the sun don’t shine, then you have the nerve to charge me this much. The least you can do is kiss me on the cheek and tell me you still respect me!”

    For those of you who haven’t lost all respect for me after this, I apologize, but Linda opened up this can o’ worms. πŸ˜‰

  6. Lisa: Welcome! I clicked on you and you look familiar to me. I’m sure I’ve read your blog in the past. Do we have a mutual friend? Good luck with your radiation. I will say prayers for you.

    Mark: God bless your MIL!

    Jeff: I wanted to make you laugh, but not spew. Sorry. I’m just paying you back for a dozen or so keyboards πŸ˜‰
    Great parting words to your doc.
    The last thing I remember before “going under” the first time, I asked the doc (who was a great guy, I loved him, he’s retired now) if I could have an extra pillow. He scrunched up his face and said, real serious “I don’t think your insurance will cover that…” and I was OUT. He was a hoot.

  7. ahhh, the old arsescope, talk about an invasion of privacy!

    I’m surprised they haven’t come up with more creative ways of ensuring a clean event…..time to dig out that old exotic Indian curry recipie perhaps?

    If you are not sedated, perhaps you could give the doc a “Hey, I feel a fart coming” while he’s at it….. ?

    don’t forget to post the video on youtube πŸ™‚

  8. i had a very good friend (also a pisces) that had colon cancer a few years ago. she came through the chemo and such with flying colors.

    i’m sorry this is something you have to experience, life just sucks sometimes. but for you, not for long you won’t have it any other way now will you?

    xo,
    leah

  9. p.s. “had” should be “has” she’s alive and very well and still my friend.

  10. Raggy: No kidding πŸ™‚ I’m told there is a new “miracle pill” to do the trick, but I can’t find me an MD who believes it works well enough…

    Please watch your language… we don’t use that particular f-word here. I’d hate to have to ban you, cause I like you and all… *wink wink* My rule is this: If I can’t say it outloud, we don’t use it here. I have a list much like our beloved Mr. Carlin once declared. Not just like it, but similar. Maybe one day I’ll publish mine.
    A video? Ha. Riiiiiight. I actually watched a few on You Tube and was a bit squeamish afterward.

    P’let: Thanks and love for your thoughts.

  11. Oh dear, i apologize, but there goes about 200+ great jokes I can’t tell you then!

    Is there a substitute word allowed? πŸ™‚ Or maybe I can use some sort of code like, say , “stomach cough”? πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

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