I can’t call it writer’s block cuz I’m not a writer. But in all my years of blogging, this is the first time I can recall sitting here at the keyboard, wanting to post and coming up with NOTHING. Usually I sit down and go through three or four topics in my head and decide which one I feel most like writing about. Today my brain is scrambling all over the place and there’s a brick wall in every direction. It’s rather disconcerting… Let’s see. Where has my mind been lately? Hmmmn…
I’ve been missing warm weather. I’ve been missing my kids. I’ve been thinking too much and maybe that’s part of the problem. That’s never a good thing for me. I tend to get antsy and anxious when I spend too much time in my head. As it is, I already spend more time there than the average person, I
think. believe. I start imagining where I wish to be on this Journey and then I see how far off that path that I actually am. Then I start making mental lists of things I need to do to get back on track and the longer the list gets, the more my motivation dwindles. Then I just sort of tend to wallow in the maze and find myself walking in circles in my head. I trust that I’m where I am for a reason and try to figure out what that might be. I’ve been here too long. It’s not comfortable. I’m reminded of a quote by Anais Nin that is always in the back of my mind and keeps popping out now and then. “ There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” It’s getting more and more painful in here. I hesitate to even share this here. I know when I come back here you will all have wonderful advice for me. At the risk of offending anyone, you can’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I know I need to trust in the Lord and pray about it. I know I need to get off my duff and start laying groundwork for the future. I know I need to quit my job and spend my days in my studio creating art and quit wasting my talent. I should probly even be consulting with some sort of a career counselor or something. I know all these things. But there is something inside me that’s fighting me and it’s bigger than I am and stronger than I am.
I realize, fully, that very few people are actually “living their dream.” So many of us go through the motions of daily life, just working to make ends meet, trying to raise good kids, and giving them “a better life.” I want more than that. I’ve always wanted more than that. As I’m getting older, it’s become more of a need than a desire. I don’t want to find myself on that proverbial deathbed wishing I’d lived my life differently. I wake up thinking that now but am comforted somewhat when I realize that I still have a chance to change that. The window of time, though, gets smaller every single day. Damn Time. Where have you gone and why do you keep going there?
*Global Positioning System