I NEED ME A GPS*

I can’t call it writer’s block cuz I’m not a writer. But in all my years of blogging, this is the first time I can recall sitting here at the keyboard, wanting to post and coming up with NOTHING. Usually I sit down and go through three or four topics in my head and decide which one I feel most like writing about. Today my brain is scrambling all over the place and there’s a brick wall in every direction. It’s rather disconcerting… Let’s see. Where has my mind been lately? Hmmmn…

I’ve been missing warm weather. I’ve been missing my kids. I’ve been thinking too much and maybe that’s part of the problem. That’s never a good thing for me. I tend to get antsy and anxious when I spend too much time in my head. As it is, I already spend more time there than the average person, I think. believe. I start imagining where I wish to be on this Journey and then I see how far off that path that I actually am. Then I start making mental lists of things I need to do to get back on track and the longer the list gets, the more my motivation dwindles. Then I just sort of tend to wallow in the maze and find myself walking in circles in my head. I trust that I’m where I am for a reason and try to figure out what that might be. I’ve been here too long. It’s not comfortable. I’m reminded of a quote by Anais Nin that is always in the back of my mind and keeps popping out now and then. “ There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” It’s getting more and more painful in here. I hesitate to even share this here. I know when I come back here you will all have wonderful advice for me. At the risk of offending anyone, you can’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I know I need to trust in the Lord and pray about it. I know I need to get off my duff and start laying groundwork for the future. I know I need to quit my job and spend my days in my studio creating art and quit wasting my talent. I should probly even be consulting with some sort of a career counselor or something. I know all these things. But there is something inside me that’s fighting me and it’s bigger than I am and stronger than I am.

I realize, fully, that very few people are actually “living their dream.” So many of us go through the motions of daily life, just working to make ends meet, trying to raise good kids, and giving them “a better life.” I want more than that. I’ve always wanted more than that. As I’m getting older, it’s become more of a need than a desire. I don’t want to find myself on that proverbial deathbed wishing I’d lived my life differently. I wake up thinking that now but am comforted somewhat when I realize that I still have a chance to change that. The window of time, though, gets smaller every single day. Damn Time. Where have you gone and why do you keep going there?

*Global Positioning System

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14 responses to “I NEED ME A GPS*

  1. Have you see the movie ” The Bucket List”? You should watch it. It’s really good.

  2. OK…sounds like a flower inside who wants to break through the late winter clouds. Sometimes layering on thick layers of clothing and going for a winter walk to remind us that spring us just over the hill can do us good. I often experience winter months soulfully. I am reminded of what Solomon said after having everything and desiring nothing….” For everything there is a season….” We too have seasons as humans and for me personally it can drive me nuts! Share more about your talents…your passions….your creativity that only God gave you! I am reminded of a lyric in one of Jason Upton’s songs…it goes like this…” God loves the little things you do that no one else does.” Great thing…my dreams and passions do not have to be like the next guys! My dreams and passions may not be meant to make me a million dollars, but you cannot put a price on the release that it gives when I am in my kairos moment! Linda, takes us into your studio and show us around. I’ll kick anyone out that does not exhort your dreams.

  3. I know that feeling, well…
    I waited a long time to start my Journey to become the man that I believe God is leading me to become. And I know I still have a long way to go. But I also know that I just have to take one step everyday.
    That, my dear Friend, is all you need to do. Just take one step everyday. No matter how far you think you still have to go, take that one step, everyday. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the distance will dwindle behind you. Don’t focus on ALL of the changes that you THINK you have to make. Just look at one thing, one very small, simple thing, and make that your effort for the day. That’s all it takes.
    And, like Joey, you ought to share your talents and passions with the rest of us so we can encourage – perhaps even inspire – you further.
    Now, if you’ll allow me, (but I’m going to even if you don’t) I will share another quote for you to keep somewhere in the back of your mind;
    “You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis
    Be Blessed, dear Friend.

  4. Lori: I’ve seen the previews and it looks great. I’ve already put it on my list of movies I’d like to watch. Thanks. Always up for laughter…

    Joey: Funny that you brought up going for a winter walk. I’d just decided to do that very thing when I finish here. Fresh air, I think is as good for the soul as it is for the senses.
    You also reminded me of something a friend once told me that I carry around with me. He said that God gave us talents so we have something to amuse ourselves with. I was surprised that I’d never looked at my talents in that light. But it makes good sense. I still think there could be no greater satisfaction than to make a living by that which makes us happiest.
    I looked up “Kairos” and found it to be something quite interesting.
    Thanks. It’s comforting to know others care.

    M+: I often use things you share with us on your blog for inspiration, [ie., the conversation you had recently with the man in the restaurant.] You seem to be on track and on schedule… You have a talent for simplifying my more complicated dilemmas and making them seem more manageable. Imagining taking things a step at a time struck a chord with me. It made me cry when I read it but that’s a good thing. When I’m moved to tears it’s usually a sign of a breakthrough of some sort. Thank you šŸ™‚

  5. Well, I was gonna give some advice but honestly, my advice stinks. I still think the Titanic was a good idea!

  6. I’m touched that you hold me in such regard. I happen to know that I am on track, and on schedule, because I rely on Divine Timing for everything that I do. It sure beats trying to make God’s plans squeeze into my timing…

    I, too, look to your blog for inspiration at times. You have such an ecclectic style that I know I’ll at least be amused by whatever you have to share.
    I’m also glad I can help, in even the smallest ways. I’m pleased to know that I’ve touched you with my very simple perspective on things. And it does my heart good to know that you’re experiencing a breakthrough because I was faithful to share something with you.

    I am always honored to be of service. It is a part of my calling, my purpose here.

  7. well i’m just going to say some days chewing bubble gum can make everything seem better than it actually is.

    instead of advice, i’m just going to be a friend that walks beside you while you are figuring it out, supporting you either way.

  8. You know, I sit almost every night with a few things I’d like to write about; instead of doing that I end up posting some pointless one liner about life that no-one can be bothered to interpret, certainly not comment on.

    However, I do hope to change that behaviour…

  9. I think you touched a nerve with everybody reading this, at one level or another. I, too, feel I’m not doing at all what I originally intended to do, nor what I “should” do. Yes, I’m providing for my family, and I work for a stable company in an even more stable industry, but it just doesn’t full that emptiness inside. Somehow, an hour or so of a hobby here and there doesn’t seem to do it either. Family is wonderful, but at some point there is an individual need that starts poking out its head saying, “What about me?”

    My professional life, the one that makes up at least eight hours of every day, should offer up at least a small intrinsic reward, right? Surely those aren’t available only from the waking hours I spend at home each day, or reserved only for weekends?

    I’m sure many folks in their early 20’s swear this never will happen to them. I sincerely hope it doesn’t, but I think the odds are against them.

  10. Jeff: It drives me insane how you always underestimate yourself! You know you’re awesome and we know you’re awesome. Just admit it!

    M+: Thanks for the kind words. How’s your boo-boo?

    Piglet: That, darlin’, sounds like such a little thing, but when I imagine it, sounds glorious. You have no idea how much I appreciate your friendship and I know that, if I asked personally for your advice, you’d tirelessly put together a custom-made solution for me, completely researched and fine tuned to suit. But I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m happy having you along for the ride. XO

    BD: You have a blog? ;-P

    Mark: Very well said, Buddy. I think we turned a wrong corner somewhere along the way. If I could only get back to that intersection now and make the right freakin’ turn!
    That “20’s Syndrome” I think often lasts well past that second decade and people realize at different points in their lives that they’ve missed the bus. And some react more acutely (probly not the word I wanted…) than others. The ones I feel most sorry for are those who just accept it without even a fight or a whimper. I think most of us could write some really insightful posts on this subject. The others, the Lucky Ones, can gloat while we sigh.
    Ya know, a really big hit on the Lottery could make my problem fade pretty fast. That’s all I really need, a safety net.

  11. Anytime you need a kind word, you just give me a wink. I’ve got plenty to share.
    My Branding is good. Contrary to what most people might think, it doesn’t hurt in the least bit. I just posted new pics.
    I’m glad you made it through the whole video. Next time, just turn your volume down so you don’t have to hear the sizzle…

  12. Yes, I do… šŸ˜¦

  13. BD: And who might be welcome to visit there?

  14. Anybody. So, yes.

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