Last week I started sharing some uncomfortable feelings I’ve been having. It may have sounded like depression to some. And while it is depressing, it’s sort of a cycle that I get sucked into every so often. Not sure what a counselor might have to say about it but I’m pretty sure he or she would urge me to come to terms with it by at least one of several means. The trend these days seems to be medicating with some sort of therapy besides. I’m not willing to drug myself to the point of not feeling anything at all as a means to get through the rough stuff. I would rather feel pain than numbness. And I realize that a truly depressed person on medication (or off, for that matter) may very well beg to differ with me. I am totally open to all comments in that regard.
I’m sure I would be instructed or encouraged to make some decisive changes in my life to relieve some of my angst. Therein, I believe, lies the problem; my inability and/or reluctance to make changes. Before this gets any more random or scattered, let me try to explain what I’m feeling. As most of my readers are years and sometimes decades younger than me, I don’t expect many of you to truly grasp where I am. But if even one of you can look ahead and imagine yourself feeling like this, I urge you to start making changes now. I don’t want you to feel like this, ever.
Have you ever spent a weekend anticipating the approval of a bank loan or the outcome of a job interview? Have you ever completely fumbled a task that is normally a breeze for you, (ie. something that you could normally do with your eyes closed) simply because someone was watching over your shoulder? Their scrutiny was just too much for your nerves, I bet. Have you ever gotten on a new roller coaster and a minute and a half into the ride, you thought, what was I thinking? I could die here! Remember when you were little and it was cool to roll down a steep hill? Part of the thrill was the momentum that took over and zapped you of any power to stop.
Can you identify with any (or all) of these feelings? Congratulations and welcome to a piece of my world.
“Angst” is how I’ve chosen to describe the state I dwell in from time to time. It’s a weird word, isn’t it? I thought about it and I was all like, wth, there are too many consonants in that word. (Think Mitch Hedberg…) but then I thought, those letters make “tungsten” and “songstress” and “gangster” work. And then I thought “You are getting way too caught up in that word.” This little peek into the workings of my twisted mind was unintentional. But if you’re reading this, you’ve probly not even batted an eye.
Now let me tell you my take on why I feel this way. I’ve been giving this much thought, of late. Why pay someone to tell you all your quirks and neuroses when God gave you a brain, however flawed and incapacitious it may be? That’s what I always say…
K. Imagine you are 51 years old. You’ve pissed away most of those years in search of yourself and what it might take to make you feel successful/ happy/ fulfilled/whatever . And its not even like you tried 140 different occupations, locations, lifestyles, or endeavors to even afford yourself an inkling of which direction to take. You’ve spent that time IN YOU HEAD imagining what this or that might hold for you. Consequently, you find yourself in the exact same job, area, routine, etc., etc. that you were stuck in the last time you had this dilemma. There were and are many reasons for this- family obligations, financial binds, time constraints. Some of them are even legitimate. Oh, and you can make up as many other reasons to blame it on as there are reasons that you’re stuck.
So you see where I’m going (or not going) with this. I’m stopping for now for digestion and mental regroupment. Thanks for listening and there’s more (oh, hell yeah) where this came from…