Been praying a lot. Been hiding (figuratively) a lot. Went to bed at 7pm last night. Work was trying today. Not so much the work, just being there. I wanted to be home and comfortable and, you know. Just Home.
My basic personality is that of a true Pisces. While I am not an astrology freak by any means, I can’t argue with the description of my Piscean personality. We swim in two directions at once. Maybe when I finally figure out how to do that without drowning, I will find my true peace. My daily life is a series of conflicts, one after another. Most never get resolved. At times I’m comfortable with this, as it’s been the way I’ve lived most of my life. But now, it’s just disconcerting and making me anxious. Struggling with what’s in my heart and what makes sense (to whom?) is a constant for me. I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what’s acceptable and what isn’t by society’s standards. I know my place and what is expected of me. I know rules are implemented for reasons. I know speed limits are enforced for the safety of you and me. I know what is considered good and bad etiquette. I know smoking is bad for me. I know lots of things. Some I just take for granted. But some things just plain do not make sense to me and I spend my life walking that thin line between what I’ve been told and what I believe. Tell me the sky is blue. I’ll say yeah, it is, but I’ll be thinking that it’s an awesome shade of cerulean or azure. When you see me crying and remind me that it’s “only a McDonald’s commercial,” I’m thinking, why did it touch my heart so much harder than yours? And yet, how many times a day have I hurt someone because I was too busy to pick up the phone or rushed by with a quick “hi” instead of a “how are you today?” I get caught up in things and my perception fades to black. Other times, my compassion goes unnoticed. It’s all the time, back and forth. The only constant seems to be the struggle.
I remember once in my early forties, I was feeling like the Queen of Bad Luck. It was then that I had one of those light bulb moments (I think Oprah coined that phrase…) when it came to me like a bolt of lightning, “Linda, this is Life.” I was not special or being picked on or anything else. I was just experiencing Life. It was then that I learned not to feel sorry for myself, that I was just another sucker participating in the game.
I talked to you before about the (shhhh…) procrastination. I gotta learn to erase that from my list of coping strategies. I’m knee-deep in one now. Things pile up, I get overwhelmed, I shut down. If I haven’t been on your blog lately, that’s my excuse. I got so far behind, I couldn’t catch up. So I gave up.
…to change the things I can…
But I’m working on it. One day, I’m gonna be a force to be reckoned with. A stellar human being.
But for now, I’m going to go eat some Breyer’s Butter Almond icecream. Yep, before dinner!