Any of you who have been reading me for awhile, probly remember that last year when I turned fifty I was disgustingly smug and all happy and shit.  Am I right?  Well, nearing the big Five One in less than a month, I’m looking back over this past year and I’m a-shakin’ my head.  Firstly, at the incredulousness of the speed with which the year has flown.  Translation: I can’t believe 50 is almost over.  I still feel like fifty is great, don’t get me wrong.  I love the way my mind has, for lack of a better word, reshaped itself.  My whole way of thinking has changed and mostly for the better.  There is a kind of mental house-cleaning that happens and helps to prioritize “things.”  Things like how unimportant make-up is most of the time.  Things like, it’s ok to wear sweatpants to the grocery store.  Things like what I think is more important than what most anyone else thinks.  It’s ok to look silly as long as I’m having fun.  And when just aboot everyone is younger than you, you can get away with more.  If someone questions you or calls you on it, you just give them a look and nine times out of ten they’ll back off, simply because you’re old. Yeah, so you have to put up with twits calling you “Ma’am,” and people asking you if you want the senior discount, stuff like that.  But all in all, it’s better than I expected.

I wrote a Firstly up there.  That seems to allude to a Secondly but I’ll be damned if I can remember what I was thinking. What I had originally planned to talk aboot is this weird thing that’s been happening.  I don’t know if it’s normal or not.  Please ask your mothers and get back to me…

It’s this… One day I’m all confident and feeling like I’ve really done some great things and I’m on track and everything is hunky dory. And maybe I’ll feel like that for ten, twelve, maybe even nineteen days in a row.  Then all of a sudden I’ll wake up one morning and think, “Holy crap, what am I doing and when the hell am I going to get anywhere?  I’m not getting any younger.  Time to get a plan, lady.” Then all that day I’ll be all concerned and try to figure out what I’m doing wrong.  A couple of days might go by and then I’m fine.  WTF?

I’m not really looking to you guys for answers here, mostly because not one of you is a fifty plus-year-old woman. I just needed to get that out.  Of course though, if your mom has any insight… 

I’m just blaming it on hormones at this point.  Blessed, chaotic hormones. Damn them all to hell.  I’ll be fine in fourteen minutes.  Or two hours.  Or three days, 5 hours and 23 minutes.  Who knows?  I thought of getting one of those mood meter things for on my sidebar but, a) you know me and b) I wouldn’t have time to keep changing the thing.  Oh, and c) I don’t think they make them for senior citizens grown-ups.  But I’m not a grown-up.  Screw it. 

I’m fine now 🙂

16 responses to “KNOCK, KNOCK…

  1. My mom’s in her mid-60’s, so I’ve never thought of you as a mother figure. An older sister, maybe. Or a young aunt. But not a mother.

    However, I know what you mean about feeling fine for a while and then suddenly calling it all into question. It bites. Then I see that little boy of mine, and there’s at least one purpose in life.

  2. I get many of those same worrisome thoughts on a regular basis as well, Linda. If I find any answers I’ll let you know.

    Sweatpants to the grocery store is ALWAYS okay. Sometimes I don’t even wear underpants.

  3. Mark- Thanks for not thinking of me as a mother figure. That would suck. (you would make a cool brother…)

    Simon- I was getting worried that you couldn’t get here. Canadian commando. Cool.

  4. Well, I am not LITERALLY a 50+ woman, but I think I have one inside me wanting to get out…

  5. I can’t tell you much about being 50ish, but at 29 I have days like that also. One second something gets me stressed or flustered and the next second it’s almost non-existant. I think it definitely is a hormone thing, but I’m not so sure about an age thing!

    Natalie 😡

  6. Oh wait! I forgot—WHO’S THERE?

  7. And you were up at 2:30 a.m. writing this? You bad, bad girl. Having had insomnia last night, I should have gone online to see who was there . . . darn, I could have given you a shout out from the Big Apple.


  8. I have to agree with the sentiments above. I’m 30 and I have these same feelings. I think it’s normal for a person who is truly looking at themselves and asking questions to come up with different answers depending on your mood…and to occasionally get a bit concerned about the answer you get. I’d suggest anyone who isn’t occasionally concerned that they’re doing everything wrong is either living in denial or isn’t paying very close attention to what they’re doing.

  9. I just got the notice for my 20 year high school reunion and it has me thinking about being older. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, thinking.

    I don’t think I would be inclined to think of someone who is 50 as a mother figure. Unless she gave birth to me when I was 13, but yuck.

    Time moves on and we all change, hopefully for the better.

  10. Birthday smirthday, you’re still hot and thats all that matters. 😉

  11. Fab- You might want to let her out, it will be quite liberating. And a real quick way to lose about a hundred pounds… And if you think she’s hot, maybe she’ll let you inside her. OMG I can’t believe I just said that.

    Nat- Hormones suck. The Knock knock… I was kind of referring to the fact that I don’t know who’s there, as in Who am I? Like Linda, who? You can make up the rest of you’d like and share 🙂

    Brian- If you knew me better you’d know that I can’t get the timestamp right on here. Or else you do and you’re rubbing it in. I’m not sure which. At any rate, chances of finding me online that time of the morning on a weekday are about as good as me getting the timestamp figured out…

    Alvis- Thinking is never, well, hardly ever, a bad thing. I have spent a good part of my life not thinking about the future. I’m having to force myself to do that now and it’s hard. There comes a point where one has to face reality. That’s a bit of a foreign concept for a Piscean.
    I remember when I got my 20-year reunion invite. I thought, “Cripe, I’m not old enough to have done ANYthing twenty years ago, let alone finish High School.” You are going aren’t you? I love reunions.

    Jeff- You just made my day, you handsome devil. 🙂

  12. Those landmark years can be a bit odd and sometimes the year that follows can be even better. At 25, I felt old and as if my youth was over. Now, at 26, I feel younger than I did when I was 25 and I realize that my life is far from over.

  13. F’nor- I was hoping your picture would show up here.
    Wonderful observation for someone who’s had so few of those “landmark” years! Now that I think about, 17 was awesome. But then so was 33. Leave it to me to be an exception. But thank you. I’m going to chose to believe that next year will be even better. Next year I will be 26. 😉

  14. You can’t be younger than your youngest child.

  15. I am not 50 something either but I do feel like I am at the point where I have to stop talking about somethings like they might happen in my future when it is looking like pretty much they won’t. I think in my head I will always be setting out on life and around 23…I can’t get a grasp over the idea that this is not a trial run or a movie I can rewind and that I better get with it or doors will be closed before I know it.

  16. Ju- I can pretend ;-Þ

    Mishka- I understand exactly what you’re saying. A good friend, TC claims the reason you get forgetful as you age is so that you won’t miss all the dreams that you had as you got older that never came to fruition. Which I think is a brilliant, but sad way to look at it. I’m stubborn in that most dreams I refuse to give up on, even as old as I am. In a way, I think it’s good to think that way. But on the other hand, being realistic is more the norm. And being realistic protects one from the pain of disappointment. A lesson I have yet to learn… I don’t know how old you are but I want to tell you to hold on to your dreams, but temper them with a bit of reality. Follow your heart, but listen to your head is what I think I’m trying to say. It’s been a life-long struggle for me. My heart usually wins out.

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