Category Archives: tragedy

Holy Cow

I’m thrilled to see readers here! You have no idea.

I’ve been busy with post-funeral stuff like writing thank-you notes and things but I have much more to say on this subject.  Including some problems I’m having adjusting. No surprise there. But I will post more on the weekend, I promise.

And thanks so much for coming over and saying such nice things :)

A Blog Can Serve a Purpose (and other observations)

I’ve all but abandoned this blog. Once upon a time it served a purpose.  I used it to empty out my head every now and then.  Then, quite a while ago, I found other places to distribute the stuff that was clogging up my brain… maybe not entirely emptying it out but more or less dribbling things out in starts and stops and spurts.

But now I have this ridiculously saturated medulla or cerebellum or whatever you call it and there’s no way I could possibly drain it sufficiently without coming back here. So, over the next few hours or days or however long it takes, I’mma gonna be here emptying out my brain and my heart and whatever else I can squeeze out so I can have my old self back… the one that can sleep and rationalize and communicate intelligibly, (even carry on a conversation) and emote and add and subtract.

As it stands right now, it’s 2:19am. I’m supposed to be waking up in 3 hours to go back to work after having been off for a week. Unless you count the weekends, in which case it would be 9 days. That’s how long it took to watch my mom die and see to it that she got a proper burial and deal with the aftermath. Partially, anyway.

And all that stuff up there left me with a head the size of a [insert something of impressive volume here] full of bombarding thoughts and not a clue as to how to sort them out and make sense of any of it.  I know, because I’ve spent the last four or five (I can’t even count anymore) nights trying.  And that was on top of the daunting task of trying to cry.

There’s something about watching your mother die and not being able to cry that just doesn’t sit well with me. I dunno, it just doesn’t feel normal.

Stay tuned for part two, four, five, three , seven, twelve, eight and however many more it takes to get me the hell through this.

SAD HERE TODAY

You may have heard about PD’s little buddy, Broken Foot here or on my facebook page.

Early this past summer he called me outside to see a bunny in our backyard.  There I saw this little guy.  He had some trouble hopping and we decided that his right back paw had been broken at some time and never healed correctly. It’s not obvious in this photo but he also had part of his left ear missing.  Such a lot of turmoil he must have endured in his short little life.

Over the course of the summer, PD would throw carrots to him from a safe distance and we would watch him nibble them.  After a couple of weeks, he would show up several times during the day.  PD began keeping carrots in a plastic container just for the bunny and would shake them when he would go outside and after a time, the bunny would come close to the house for his daily treats.  PD started to call him Broken Foot.  As time went on, Broken Foot would come closer and closer until we could sit at our picnic table and he would merrily chomp down his treats a few feet away,  not afraid at all.

Neighborhood cats made us nervous a lot of the time.  There were two that we’d see now and then and were never sure if they were strays or if they belonged to someone.  A certain black one would show up at night and when we would see Broken Foot the next day we would feel relief, knowing that he had avoided a tangle with the cat.

Then one day another bunny showed up in our yard. Shortly after it became commonplace to see this bunny and Broken Foot playing together.  We decided it was a she and that she was BF’s girlfriend.  She was not as fearless and never came so close for carrots.

Nature being what it is,  a short time passed and PD called me out one day to show me a little nest covered with grass and bunny fur with five teeny tiny bunnies nestled inside.  PD had very nearly run over it with the lawn mower.  We were both excited for the Foot family and looked forward to watching them grow.  And we felt honored that they chose the relative safety of our yard to raise a family.

Sadly, the next day PD buried what was left of the babies after a cat had found the nest.  We grieved for Broken Foot and his Lady.

Time went on and Broken Foot grew to the size you see here.

Then late in October, Broken Foot didn’t show up and for two weeks, PD and I nervously watched along the road in front of our house expecting to see a little brown mound, figuring that he’d maybe run in front of a passing car.  We would see the Lady from time to time but she would be alone.

Then one cold snowy night, PD was looking out the back door and I was busy. I heard him rustling around and then I heard the door close.  I went to investigate and I found PD in the yard, with carrots welcoming Broken Foot back.  There was pure joy in his voice and I could tell how happy he was to see him.

BF took up residence first under the utility shed in the back yard.  PD would make sure the entrance to his hole was clear of snow and ice.  Lately with the cold, cold temperatures, he’s been living under our back porch.

Today when I came home from work, PD greeted me with the sad news that he’d found Broken Foot’s broken little body under our porch when he was putting a sled away that we’d decorated for Christmas with a wreath and bow.  He said it was obvious that he’d tangled with a cat, finally.  And lost.  He buried him in a special place.

You were a tough little bunny and you found a place in our hearts.  I hope there are no kitties where you are now.  XO

 

 

WAY PAST IRRITABLE

Everything is irritating the hell out of me lately.  iTunes has been down for two days.  Every time I come on here (the blog) I have to sign in again.  There has been spam in my comments queue.  I rarely get spam in there, haven’t had to sign in to WordPress in ages and have never been deprived of iTunes for two days in a row.  And these are all tiny little wee irritations.

Dry itchy Winter skin has me wanting to rip my skin off.  I’m tired of slathering on face cream and hand cream and body lotion. I’m sick to death of my daily routine.  I’m sick and tired of piling on clothes and wearing coats and gloves and bulky socks and scarves.  Heavy comforters and real pajamas are getting old.  I’m tired listening to people talk about snow and cold temperatures.  And these are all small annoyances as well, considering.

We’ve had a couple of warmer, sunny days here in PA and the excitement and relief is slipping away already.  I feel like I’ve been ruined somehow by this dastardly Winter that we’ve had and have not yet put behind us.  I find myself thinking that I can’t/won’t/don’t ever want to see another Winter as long as I live.  It took something out of me and I’m not sure what.  It made me tired, I know that.  I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in 4 short months (that seemed more like years.)   Depending on where you’re reading this, you may or may not understand.

Ok, I need to stop writing.  I’m on the PC and for some reason PD says the laptop won’t go online.  WTF. The good news is that my iTunes is up now…

I’m going to bed.  But first I’m having a drink to send off  Mark Linkous from Sparklehorse who died today.  That moved me way past irritable.

Sorry for the downer post.

Click on this link for my favorite Sparklehorse song.

Shade and Honey by Sparklehorse

AWAY FOR A DAY

Not that anyone was expecting me to post or anything but I actually did have plans to post the rest of the week.  You see, we got so far ahead at work (hard to believe, I know) that I am temporarily off overtime hours.  For the rest of the week, as it stands now.

And one of the first things I thought of doing with those two plus extra hours a day, was actually sitting down here and pretending it was like old times.

But then something came up and this will probly be all you’re gonna get.

My mom called me this afternoon to share the sad news that her sister, my aunt, had died this morning.  As accustomed as I have become the past several months to hearing bad news, I was not prepared at all for this.

My mom has two sisters and as they have aged, I’ve gotten in the habit of thinking of them as The Golden Girls.  While none of the three particularly resemble Rose or Blanche or Dorothy, their collective personalities are as entertaining and delightful.  I have not been in the same room with the three of them for years but the memories I have of them together are precious to me.   There was never a dull moment or a lapse in laughter when they were together.

One of these days I will post a picture of them and a story or two to go with it.

PD and I will be driving back to my hometown on Thursday to pay our respects and share some necessary Family love.  I need to put my time in at work tomorrow and then finish packing for Thursday.  See ya later, ‘gators.

Prayers appreciated for my uncle, my cousin, the grand daughters, my mom and my other aunt.  Thank you.

BITTERSWEET WEEKEND

Had an extremely lovely time with my family this weekend.  I am so very very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.  I’m going to be concentrating on that fact with every inch of my being.

You just never know what’s around the corner.

I just learned of the death of someone I don’t know.  I don’t really have any business writing about this.  But this man’s son was killed not long ago and I can’t imagine the grief the surviving members of this family is experiencing right now.  It’s shaking my faith to the very core right now and that can’t happen.  When I’m not feeling strong in that respect, nothing feels right.  I can’t talk about this anymore.

It just occurred to me as I was selecting categories for this post that “God” and “wtf” should not be used on the same post…

Update:  found this news article.

CAN’T WAIT!

Toy Story 3 – Official Teaser Trailer [HD]

Sorry guys. I thought I was pretty smart catching the trailer that was supposedly leaked.  It’s gone now : (  All I can tell you is that it looks really awesome.  Andy is grown up and leaving for college and the toys are all worried about where they’ll end up. Andy decideds a good home for them would be a day care center and oh, the adventures they have!  Release date for the much-anticipated third installment is scheduled for June 18, 2010.  I’m excited.

DAMN IT

I just came on here to check my mail before bed and there it was on the MSN page.

Patrick Swayze dies at age 57

Did you ever have one of those moments when you thought for just a second that you’d completely lost it?  I thought I was seeing things.

Now I’m just very, very sad.

Fucking cancer.

REMEMBERING…

It’s hard to believe how much time has passed.   A prayer going out to everyone who lost a friend or loved one that day…

STAIRWAY TO THE STARS

Came across this interesting bit of information tonight while surfing the web.  I’m so glad I found it because normally I would find out after the fact and find it necessary to get quite pissy about it.

Assuming it’s not raining or snowing or cloudy, I’ll be able to share this awesome sight with my awesome husband.  Normally I do not see him that time of day because he is sound asleep.  But this week his butt he will be up with me.  And hopefully each day he will feel well enough to drive me to work.  Normally I can drive my own butt to work.  But this morning around 3am I came downstairs to get a drink of water (or something.)  Normally this is not a problem due to the nifty night lights we have at the top, on the landing and at the bottom of our stairs.  They are motion-sensitive and when they see me coming they jump up and down and sing You Light up my Life get brighter. Bad thing tho’, is that the one at the bottom casts a shadow on the bottom step due to the newel post being between the light and the actual stairs.  I always have to be careful to make sure I’m actually on the last step.  Normally I slow down when I get near the bottom to make sure I know where the floor is.  Normally, I said.

This morning I did not slow down at the bottom.  I thought I was on the floor when my left foot was on the last stair.  So when my right foot came down, my heel caught on the stair and my foot did this weird twisty collapsing thing which explains the fairly loud cracking noise that triggered the nausea button in my tummy.

Long story short, a trip to the ER for X-rays which showed the broken bone and resulting in my nervous breakdown. having to wear an Ace bandage and one of those sexy-as-hell navy blue clod-hopper boot things with the come-hither Velcro straps.  All the more alluring with the addition of crutches.

It’s all cool though.  I got Percocet to keep my mind off the fact that my life, which couldn’t possibly have gotten any more sucky, indeed has.